Hello Internet

Six months later . . . . another moofie rant

2011-08-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think maybe I should start a brand spanking new blog to give me motivation to update it more regularly. Maybe next year.

Anyway, I've been working hard as a high school teacher and enjoying it, and I have been devouring films, books, comics, and music as much as I ever have, so here is another blog about a bunch of films I saw.

TROLL HUNTER

A Norwegian film in the style of 'The Blair Witch Project' and 'Cloverfield', but with much more of a sense of humour. 'Troll Hunter' tells the story of some film making kids who follow a real life troll hunter and unearth the world of trolls. The troll designs are fantastic, the curiosity and interest of a fictional 'real world' story are still there but they are married perfectly with a lot of laugh out loud jokes and fun. This was fantastic.

VAMPIRE GIRL VS FRANKENSTEIN GIRL

I'm hooked on cult Japanese films at the moment and it's all because of this one. I picked it up cheap on DVD and since I've been hunting and buying more gory treasures like this one.

'Vampire girl vs Frankenstein girl' tells the story of a teenage vampire who turns a boy she likes into a vampire through her Valentine chocolate gift. This boy's jealous bitchy girlfriend wants revenge, which leads to her death. Fortunately her crazy school principle father dresses up in Kabuki clothing and creates a living corpse, bringing her daughter back to life with some fun and morbid additions.

This film feels like a Japanese version of a Troma movie, complete with odd unP.C. kind of racist jokes involving a group of Asian girls who wish they were African American and so wear black face and prosthetics to look black. The gore is plentiful, the action is fast paced, and I had a huge smile on my face for the entire length of the film.

ROBOGEISHA

The title says it all. A huge corporation trains a bunch of females to become geisha assassins, using men's lust against them. For a film about geisha's there is very little nudity or sex in this film, if any. It's all about the training, the battles, and the tech. The geisha's are given robotic weapon upgrades that get more and more ridiculous as the film progresses, including a razor blade that comes out of the mouth, a machine gun breast, and a body that transforms into a tank. This was another fun gore fest of crazy Japanese proportions.

MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD

One more Japanese gore fest and then I'll move on.

A sweet, teenage girl starts to get an itchy hand on her 16th birthday. Then she finds out that she is in fact a mutant and her hand changes into a grotesque blobby mess that turns people into bloody messes easily. She joins a team of mutant girls led by a man in Peking Opera-ish face makeup. They fight against a team of anti-mutant government soldiers who wear these crazy masks where the huge noses shoot bullets. This was another joyful viewing for me that I will easily sit through multiple times.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

We have been treated to so many great big budget films this year! While films like 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon' have retarded titles and equally moronic storylines, a film like 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' shows that a big budget crowd pleaser can also be a well paced story with some nice drama elements.

'Rise...' acts as a prequel to the original Heston starring 'Planet of the Apes' and it is a good one. The reason for a race of intelligent apes existing makes sense, James Franco plays a likable enough guy, and we also get treated to a fair whack of David Hewlett (McKay from Stargate: Atlantis). The effects look fantastic, with Andy Serkis lending his emotive Gollum facial skills to Caesar, the main character Ape.

I hope this film is the first of many Ape reinventions, because unlike Tim Burton's unforgivable remake of 'Planet of the Apes', 'Rise..' actually adds something to the original material and is put together extremely well. I dug this a bunch.

Well, that's all for now.

See you in another 6 months...... hopefully before then.

jej

Moofies - A catch up rant on all the stuff that has been viewed by me since the dawn of 2011

2011-03-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

So..... hi.

Being a teacher is incredibly time consuming so blogging has kind of stopped happening, again.

Rather than continue to put off writing a bunch of posts for movies I've seen I have decided to just write a bunch of short little blahs about said films in one post, so here goes.

TRUE GRIT

EXPECTATIONS: I haven't seen the original film or read the novel that True Grit is based on, but the Coen brothers are ridiculously trustworthy at making great films so this should be fantastic.

REALITY: This is fantastic; from start to finish a solid tale of loyalties in a vast and beautiful desert landscape. The performances are all solid, the soundtrack sets the tone perfectly, and this is yet another great Coen brothers film.

****1/2

127 HOURS

EXPECTATIONS: Danny Boyle proved that he could make interesting but poorly constructed films that everyone goes nuts over for some reason with Slumdog Millionaire. I assume this will be the same. James Franco is pretty great though, so maybe that will save this film.

REALITY: Franco tries his hardest and his performance is very believable, but Danny Boyle's insistence on using awful, tacky editing techniques (every time Franco takes a photo we hear a loud camera noise and a cheap and nasty looking photo wipe effect), and poorly executed inner turmoil dream sequences makes the whole thing fall into an icky heap. The film kept my interest for its entirety, which is an achievement considering it mostly involves a guy with his arm stuck under a rock, but it all plays out in an awful, film student fashion which is pretty crap really.

**

BURLESQUE

EXPECTATIONS: I enjoy watching pop stars tank on film (see: Cool As Ice, Glitter) and I hope to see it happen again.

REALITY: I was not ready to enjoy this as much as I did. Within the first couple of minutes Christina Aguilera starts singing and it was tough to not be impressed. She can belt it out in an old school way, restraining herself from diva-ing it up all over the place. Also she's smoking hot.

Aguilera leaves her dead end job to move to the city, looking for stardom. She walks into a burlesque club and her whole world changes. The song and dance numbers are all fantastic, and they take place on stage and not in some strange musical reality where people sing what they're saying. I know this isn't a big deal for some people but for me it makes the whole thing much more stomachable.

Cher looks like Skeletor, but thankfully only sings a couple of songs, and even through her awful surgical nightmare of a face, her performance as the fairy godmother type character is nice enough.

There is a little drama and a little conflict, but it's all minimal and fixable. The focus is on the tunes and the girls. I also loved how the one romantic interest in the film is a guy who wears eye-liner and is a total pushover. The focus is on Aguilera doing what she wants and being a strong, sexy woman. It was great to see a film where the romantic interest wasn't the focus and the female lead needs to sing on stage for herself and doesn't feel the need to live up to some guy's expectations.

The film also has a timeless quality to it. Some of the closing numbers are very much a product of 2011 pop music, but the costumes, setting and storyline aren't concreted in 2011 at all.

Anyway, I'm getting a little gushy and ranty and messy about all of this. The girls are sexy, the dancers can dance, the singers can sing, and the whole thing doesn't feel like sexist garbage. I was really into it.

***1/2

THE KING'S SPEECH

EXPECTATIONS: This cast is solid, so I expect a quaint film with a solid cast and I'd be surprised if this wasn't enjoyable.

REALITY: The King's Speech is a buddy film with the King as the lead. I won't go on about it too long because you've more than likely seen it or read about it a lot before now. Geoffrey Rush, the speech therapist from the working class, makes a connection with the King with a stutter and they become close friends. That's it. The performances are solid, the design of the film is very muted and gray, Helena Bonham-Carter is a great Queen, Guy Pearce is a great King's brother; it's kind of ridiculous how good this film is. The script, the cast, the set; all the pieces were put in place to make a solid film and it was solid. No surprises really.

****1/2

MORNING GLORY

EXPECTATIONS: I expect Rachel McAdams to be all pretty and charming, and I expect Harrison Ford to be old. This looks like a movie released in the 1980s and hopefully that's a plus.

REALITY: This was overly silly in places, but McAdams pulls it off. The focal relationship of the film is between McAdams and Ford in father/daughter type roles. It's cheesy and the use of slow motion running without irony should be outlawed, but I enjoyed this a lot.

***1/2

HOW DO YOU KNOW

EXPECTATIONS: Kind of an odd cast to put together, but I think Paul Rudd has the potential to be good, so here goes.

REALITY: This is the worst. I thought that perhaps I would get a predictable but fun romantic comedy, but this film doesn't play by the rules at all. What we get is an overly convoluted plot with a bunch of unlikable characters that I don't care about. Reese Witherspoon is a total self obsessed bitch, neurotic but not in a fun way; Owen Wilson is a dick but it's not funny; Jack Nicholson looks like he's asleep; and then there's poor old Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd has the potential to be the new "boring but funny every day guy" of Hollywood, but instead he gets cast in strange films like Dinner for Schmucks and this, where he gets little moments of nice guy that are shat all over by strange asshole moments.

How Do You Know = unwatchable.

*

THE RESIDENT

EXPECTATIONS: I expect to get creeped out. A creepy thriller with a good cast, this could be great.

REALITY: Meh. This is definitely worth a watch and there are moments of tension throughout, but maybe I've just seen this kind of thing too many times before. It's not badly made at all, and the performances are all decent (how great is it that Christopher Lee is still acting!) but by the end I kind of felt like I should be on the edge of my seat more than I was. If you don't watch many horror films then perhaps this will be the scare fest that it promises to be, but for me it was just a semi-interesting but well made average thriller.

***

THE GREEN HORNET

EXPECTATIONS: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is still one of my all time favourite films, and everything Michel Gondry has done since has at least been aesthetically pleasing to me; his crafty, hand-made look is unlike any other film maker's working in Hollywood. Can he make a superhero film with Seth Rogen in it? I have no idea.

REALITY: This was kind of a mixed bag film. The drama of Rogen and his father is handled well, the action scenes are fantastic and shot in an interesting way, some of the 3D effects were quite cool and unlike what other 3D films have been doing, and some of the comedy is hilarious, but as a whole I think it's a film that needs some harsh editing to iron out the creases and change from a mixed bag into a solid whole.

The subplot where Rogen and his buddy Kato argue over the love of Cameron Diaz was just stupid and messy; the first Bloodnofsky scene where the villian is unsure of what his persona should be was funny, but then we saw almost the same exact scene another couple of times in mildly different scenarios and it lost all of its umph. I think the strengths of the film were the friendship between the Hornet and Kato and the action, so they should have been the focus, leaving behind all the bits that didn't work.

Apologies for yet another convoluted rant. In a nutshell, I'm saying this had the potential to be really great, but it wasn't.

***

TETSUO: THE BULLET MAN

EXPECTATIONS: Tsukamoto is like David Lynch crossed with Roger Corman crossed with the high over-dramatic style of anime and Japanese cinema. I love Shinya Tsukamoto as much as I love David Lynch, meaning I will watch this film with rose coloured glasses on and love it. This may make my review/rant of the film utterly pointless but I don't care.

REALITY: A third and fantastic addition to the Tetsuo films. Out of the three, Bullet Man actually has a bit more of a narrative structure. All the punk/industrial elements are still there, but now there is a bit more of an origin tale added to the mix.

Trent Reznor did the soundtrack for this film, and the pairing of Tsukamoto and Reznor is an obvious natural fit.

Just watch the damn thing and enjoy

*****

That's that. Will I post more regularly now, or will you get another long rant like this in 2 or 3 months? Only time will tell.

Thanks for reading.

Moofies - Rabbit Hole (2010)

2011-01-20T01:11:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: John Cameron Mitchell was the creator of one of my favourite musicals of all time, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a film about a punk rocker whose sex operation got botched. Mitchell followed that up with a film about a woman who couldn't get an orgasm, Shortbus. Will Rabbit Hole be a film about Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart having anal sex or something?

REALITY: This is not what I expected from Mitchell at all. The dramatic scenes in his previous two films have been very good, but there's also a lot of humour and sex. Rabbit Hole is almost devoid of both of these.

Kidman and Eckhart play Becca and Howie, a couple who are grieving the loss of their young son. It's very grim, but not overly so. Without giving too much away, there were some moments in this film that made me feel good about life. We see characters work through hard times, and not in a way that ends with sunshine and lollipops but in a realistic way.

Both Eckhart and Kidman are great performers (despite Kidman's crazy alien lip surgery. She would have been a totally hot older woman if she had stayed away from plastic surgery. Why would you ever do that to yourself?) and Rabbit Hole is chance for them both to work with material that I imagine would be difficult. It's also great to see that John Cameron Mitchell has mega talent in directing more than one kind of film.

***1/2

Moofies - Black Swan (2010

2011-01-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: Darren Aronofsky is a sucker for ultra high drama, so much so that his films get a little too much for me at times. I loved Pi and Requiem for a Dream had a fantastic soundtrack and an interesting use of split screen, but The Fountain was just badly cast (not that the actors were bad, they just didn't fit in that film at all I think) and The Wrestler was extremely well cast and put together, but some scenes just felt like too much. I dig what Aronofsky does, but I think with a little more restraint I would completely love his stuff. ANYWAY, Natalie Portman is a class act so this could be great.

REALITY: Aronofsky's over the top mega drama is still present in Black Swan but I think the content of the story matches his style well and I never felt like I was being urged to cry or anything.

Portman plays Nina Sayers, a dancer in a troupe run by Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel). Beth Macintyre (Winona Ryder, who seems to be in a lot lately which is awesome. I hope 2011 is the year of Winona. Reality Bites and Heathers were both awesome. Yes they were) was once the star of the company, but now she is past her prime according to Cassel, who is now looking for a new star for his next big production, Black Swan.

Portman's performance alone makes this worth seeing. She's begins as a very uptight character who, through the course of the film, becomes much more loose and animalistic; her story mirroring that of the character she is playing in the Black Swan performance. Portman pulls this off perfectly and I'm sure she'll need a new shelf for the huge number of awards that are headed her way for this film.

Portman doesn't carry the film by any means. She is surrounded by a solid cast, also including Mila 'Meg Griffin' Kunis and Barbara 'wind beneath my wings' Hershey.

I know pretty much nothing about ballet, but there is a lot of it here and it all looks real and amazing as far as I can tell. It's also great to see a film about ballet matched up with a psychological tale. I've never seen this combination before and the two genres (is ballet a genre?) work together very well.

I think Aronofsky's talents match these two genres perfectly. His use of editing and sweeping, quick camera shots match the musical beats of the film, and his more experimental film making elements are a perfect match for the psychological aspects of Nina's story.

Black Swan isn't some life changing experience, but it is an extremely well put together genre film with solid performances, especially from Natalie Portman.

****

So it's 2011...

2011-01-20T00:27:00.000-08:00

Greetings dear reader.

It's been a long time since I've blogged about anything, and I was thinking it might be a good idea to change the name and address of my blog to something that pertains more specifically to its content. "Hello Internet" does not really bring "movie rants" to mind, but that is what you will find here. I have decided not to change my blog name and address, however, as I may lose the few readers that I already have, and I can't be arsed.

So it is now 2011 and I am finally employed as a high school English and Media teacher. I've been placed in a school that is literally as far away from where we live as it could possibly be, but I wasn't going to turn down what sounds like a great position, so I will very soon be one of those strange creatures that is awake at 5 in the morning in order to get to work on time. Lucky me. You know you're getting older when you decide to take a job that means you have to get up at 5 rather than not take the job and get up at a reasonable hour of the morning, like 9 or 10 (or realistically 7).

Despite completely changing my sleeping hours and kind of freaking out about actually beginning a job that I have no experience in (I've done plenty of prac, but I was always under the constraints and supervision of another teacher. Having my own classes will be completely different) I am excited about beginning the job that I spent four (technically 6) years at university training to do. And I will get paid for it.

Also, I'm going to see Wire next week. I can't believe they are coming to Perth. I haven't been this excited to see a band in a long time.

There we go. That was kind of 'hello internet'y wasn't it?

jej

My Top Ten Albums of 2010

2011-01-04T00:03:00.001-08:00

Moofies - 30 Days of Night - Dark Days (2010)

2010-12-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: A budget sequel to a great horror comic book adaptation. This could be as much of a waste of time as Cruel Intentions 3.

REALITY: This is not all bad. I read the comic book when it was first released years ago and from what I remember this is pretty similar, at least in part. There are some decent gory moments and the make up is up to the standard set by the first film, but the problem is with the slow pacing. Slow, quiet films are fine when they're filled with great performances, but instead of building tension this film builds boredom. The vampy gore moments are pretty great, but all the silence inbetween is not very interesting.

Not bad, but not great.

**1/2

Moofies - Psycho Shark (2010)

2010-12-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: The title and image above promise a lot. Can this film deliver the trashy fun fest that I'm looking for?

REALITY: Not really.

Psycho Shark revolves more around a kind of creepy killer story that I honestly didn't quite understand for lack of paying attention. There is an awful lot of the camera perving on giggling chesty Japanese girls in their bathers and not much else. The huge CGI shark moments are great but they probably fill up less than a minute of this boring snooze fest.

*

Moofies - Mega Pirahna (2010)

2010-12-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: Yet another piece of junk with a DVD case that reads something like "watch if you enjoyed movie X, the movie we ripped off almost completely but with a miniscule budget and no talent".

REALITY: I think the people at The Asylum productions must spend a lot of time reading film magazines and trawling imdb, looking for what the next big film will be. They get some mobsters and/or entrepreneurs to throw a little money their way, hire a Z-grade over the hill celebrity and BAM! instant movie that's released alongside it's much better and much more expensive counterpart.

The Asylum is responsible for such atrocities/golden turds as The Terminators and Alien VS Hunter. This is not a joke.

The latest film to get the budget treatment is Pirahna 3D, which in itself was an homage to z-grade films in the first place. Mega Pirahna has a plot not worth mentioning, a muscled chisel jaw action star in Paul Logan, the star of many Asylum films, and a z-grade celeb in Tiffany. Remember Tiffany? Remember how hot and cool she was? Now she looks like someone's Mum and not in a good way. It's just embarrassing.

You remember those old screen savers where a series of cheap colourful 3D fish slowly covered the screen? Well that's what the piranha attacks look like in this film. There was some entertainment to be had in seeing the enormous piranha's jump out of the sea and make buildings blow up, but it's the sort of entertainment best enjoyed with friends and a lot of alcohol.

1/2 a star.

Moofies - Knight and Day (2010)

2010-12-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: I expect to see a lot of the smuggly handsome Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz being sexy, and stuff exploding, and I'm fine with that.

REALITY: This was a surprisingly great action film. The set up is pretty ridiculous, but it's ridiculous in a Bond kind of way, rather than in a Killers kind of way. Cruise and Diaz bounce of each other really well, and the action doesn't stop for long at all, so there is little time to worry about how dumb the whole thing is because there are massive planes shooting down at our two heroes, or Cruise is too busy jumping on to the hood of a moving car.

There were zero surprises in the storyline but it was a huge surprise how entertaining this was.

***1/2

Moofies - Easy A (2010)

2010-12-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: I'm a pretty huge sucker for some teen comedy angsty crap, but this looks like it might offer more than you're average date flick time killer. Also, Emma Stone was great in The House Bunny. She was pretty much the only great thing about it.

REALITY: If John Hughes was still alive and making teen movies they would probably look a lot like this. It seems that the film makers have taken the quirky 'being smart is cool' angle of Juno (which is a film that sucked so hard. Yes it did), the bitchy school humour of Mean Girls (which was fantastic) and mixed it all together with some Hughes-y emotional 'awww' stuff. They all mix together well to make a great film.

Stone plays Olive, a nice smart kid who is fairly invisible amongst her fellow students. One of her male friends is gay and being bullied because of it, so in order to get through high school with the least amount of negative attention Olive agrees to help him out. The two go to a party acting completely wasted, find a bedroom and make loud noises as if they are having sex. This works well for the gay kid, but Olive is now looked upon as a slut. She begins to perform this charitable act for others and things get out of hand.

Emma Stone is extremely easy to watch and funny. If she wasn't this movie would be a huge failure, because we are pretty much with her for the entire duration. The casting is fantastic, with Patricia Clarkson as her mother, Thomas Hayden Church as her cool sarcastic English teacher, and Lisa Kudrow as her guidance counselor.

On occasional there are moments that teeter on the edge of being too quirky and annoying, but I think the film manages to keep it on the edge of being likable and not taking it all too far.

This was solid.

****

Moofies - Catfish (2010)

2010-11-23T22:34:00.001-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: All I know is that this is a documentary that played at Cannes with an odd title and I'm curious.

REALITY: Ariel and Henry are two film makers who work in the same studio as Ariel's brother Nev, a photographer. Ariel and Henry start to film Nev when he begins an online relationship with a young girl, Abby, who has sent him a painting she has done of one of his photos. Through facebook and phone conversations Nev gets to know Abby's whole family and becomes close with the young painter's older sister.

This seemingly interesting and nice story turns out to be something completely unexpected. The fly on the wall style documentary captures the turn of events extremely well, and I think the subjects were handled appropriately and in a very caring way.

I can't say too much for fear of spoiling the film; that being said I will watch this again. It was fantastic.

*****

Moofies - Catfish (2010)

2010-11-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

Moofies - Blood Into Wine (2010)

2010-11-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: Maynard Keenan, the man behind the bands Tool and a perfect circle makes wine, and someone decided that would make for an interesting documentary. Tim and Eric are in the trailer doing some awkward interview thing, which is the only reason I decided to watch this because Tim and Eric are hilarious.

REALITY: This is one of the most eclectic documentaries I've seen in a while. If you think Tim and Eric are funny, if you are a wine enthusiast, or if you are a die-hard Keenan fan, then you will find something to enjoy here.

Keenan's vineyard, instead of being in a lush green place, is in a desert. This effects the taste of the wine and gives it its own unique flavour. This is kind of interesting, but not really interesting enough to carry an entire film. We hear wine experts and spiritual hippies blab on about wine and the earth and it all gets a bit much. Keenan fans will be happy to see a lot of Keenan joking around and wanking on about what he does, but it's just too messy and too much. I'm pretty certain nothing ended up on the cutting room floor, which is a shame because there is probably a decent film in here. Well, maybe a decent 30 minute short.

Tim and Eric are hilarious, but by about the half way mark I was fast forwarding to see the rest of their scenes. Someone will love this film, but I didn't.

**

Moofies - The Last Airbender (2010)

2010-11-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: I expect very little from this. I may be a huge nerdy nerd face, but there are few fantasy films that I can say I truly enjoyed, and I don't expect this kid's film to be one of them. That being said, The Last Airbender is written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, and I've continually watched every other film he's put out so why stop now? I don't think we'll be seeing any mermaids living in swimming pools or killer trees, but Shyamalan knows how to make nice looking shots (or his cinematographer does) so we'll see.

REALITY: This is yet another dull, loveless film.

I thankfully didn't see this in 3D, which was reportedly nauseating, but the visual effects look amazing. This reminded me a lot of The Golden Compass, another amazing looking kiddie fantasy film with completely flat characters and a forgettable storyline.

On a side note, Airbender is strangely racist. The good guys look like they're costumed to be Inuits, but they're all played by whiter than white Americans, and the bad guys are all dark skinned. It's a little strange, and I'm sure acts as yet another aspect that will piss off fans of the original Nickelodeon cartoon series.

*1/2

Moofies - Animal Kingdom (2010)

2010-11-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: With an Australian cast that is this strong I expect a lot. I just hope it's not another Underbelly-style criminal glorifying schlock fest.

REALITY: Right from the opening frame of Animal Kingdom you know you are in safe hands. This is really solid.

When J's mother dies he moves in with his grandmother and uncles, who are all criminals. We see how much J's family affects his morals and character as he tries to figure out who he is and where he belongs.

There are not many surprises in the plot, but the performances are all completely solid, the cinematography and pacing is all class, and the tension is palpable. Some films try and have scenes where characters stare at the wall or say one thing and mean another, but few pull off sharing the inner thoughts of their characters as well as this. With just a look these actors inhabit their complex characters extremely effectively.

I'll stop gushing now.

****1/2

Moofies - Altitude (2010)

2010-11-22T22:19:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: In the trailer for this I saw a huge octopus monster in the sky grabbing a small plane, so I expect that I will at least enjoy that bit.

REALITY: Adrianna from 90210 has just got her pilot license and she decides to take her buddies on a flight before she goes off to college or something. There are tensions set up between the characters and it's all pretty standard horror movie stuff, then the skies start to go dark and strange occurrences begin.

The 'twists' in this film are so obvious that they can be spotted in the opening scenes, but it's still played out at a pretty entertaining and decent pace, and yes, I did get to see a huge octopus thing in the sky so I was pretty happy with that.

No surprises; just an easy to watch time killer.

**1/2

Moofies - After Life (2009)

2010-11-22T22:09:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: This looks dumb.

REALITY: I hate Liam Neeson. I just don't get why he gets work? He walks onto film sets and in his half asleep, dead pan voice he wanders through films with little to no effort and walks home with a big fat paycheck. I just don't understand.

ANYWAY, in After Life Neeson plays a funeral director. Christina Ricci dies in a car accident and Neeson has to get her ready for her funeral. That's when she wakes up and starts freaking out. Is she dead and Neeson can talk to her spirit, or is she being prepared for burial while she is still alive?

The premise isn't actually that terrible, but it isn't a strong enough one for a feature film and would have worked much better as a short. The acting is all pretty blah and I very quickly starting wishing for the closing credits to roll.

There is one thing that will make a lot of you want to watch this though: Christina Ricci looks pretty amazing with no clothes on.

*

Moofies - A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

2010-11-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: I grew up watching the original series of Elm Street films; surreal horror that got pretty silly and crazy but was always fun. Robert Englund played the role of Freddy Krueger with a great mix of nasty scary deep voice and maniacal black humour. Can Jackie Earle Haley pull it off?

REALITY: The whole time I was watching this remake I had this niggling feeling that something was missing. It ticked all the right boxes, the gore was pretty decent and the plot didn't deviate too drastically from the original; but something just wasn't working for me. I think this film was just too much of a box ticker and had no heart of its own.

Jackie Earle Haley is great casting as Freddy in flashbacks, a pedophile working at a school, but as postmortem Freddy Haley's face just with all the make up just makes him look completely inhuman, like some kind of alien, rather than a dead guy with a gross burned up face. It takes away any kind of human characteristics from the killer, and with it the scary part of Freddy also disappears.

The whole thing just felt like an expensive and pointless waste of time, but a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 is in the works, so I guess it ticked the right boxes for its financiers: it made lots of money.

**

Moofies - 4.3.2.1 (2010)

2010-11-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: So, you know Noel Clarke, that guy who played Billie Piper's boyfriend in Doctor Who? He co-wrote and directed this film. I have no idea what to expect.

REALITY: Four BFFs with their own mega life dramas going on are inadvertently caught up in a jewel robbery. The story breaks into four parts as we follow each girls' adventures over the same time period, complete with 'clever' links between characters. Some of the camera shots and edits are pretty neat and it's obvious that Clarke has talent; it's just waaaaaay too long. These characters are all pretty interesting and the stupid jewel thief storyline is okay, but sitting through it all for 2 hours, I felt like I was watching a mini-series all in one sitting. It felt a lot like Skins but not quite as good. Also, some bizarro cameos which I did not expect at all.

Not amazing, but not all bad either.

***1/2

Moofies - I Love You Too (2010)

2010-11-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: Brendan Cowell has shown he can carry a movie, Peter Dinklage is the coolest, and Peter Helliar is funny on television. Hopefully he can write a good film script.

REALITY: Despite being extremely flawed, this film is still really likable. Cowell plays Jim, a guy who loves his long time girlfriend but can't say those three committal words "I love you". On a sad drunken binge, Jim becomes involved in the life of Charlie (Dinklage). Jim's best mate Blake (Helliar) begins to feel neglected and comedy and drama ensue.

Some of the jokes work extremely well and some fall flat, some of the dramatic elements work well and some just feel a little forced. Despite these flaws, I still liked all of the characters and it was clear that the film makers did too. The plot could have been too "random" and "quirky" but it all plays out in way that actually feels pretty straight forward and believable.

After watching some pretty ordinary drama/rom-coms this year (The Back Up Plan, The Switch) it was nice to see something at least a little bit original, with characters that I liked, and it's always great to see Australians on screen.

***1/2

Moofies - Skyline (2010)

2010-11-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

EXPECTATIONS: This is going to be a mega budget alien fest. The trailer looks like someone saw District 9 and Cloverfield and decided to rip them off. While it might not be the most original film I’ve ever seen, I really hope that it’s an entertaining braindead way to kill 92 minutes.

REALITY: Sometimes I forget how important it is to care about the characters that I’m watching; something the Strauss brothers also neglected to think about when making this film. After enduring a quick set up with some dull cheating/pregnant/predictable conflicts, blue lights fall from the sky and people start acting strange and/or being sucked up into enormous expensive looking visual effect space ships. I got a little excited, thinking that perhaps this would be the beginning of the fun part of the film, but I was sadly mistaken. What followed was a bunch of annoying characters complaining and saying lines like, “Don’t you get it? We’re at war!”. I’m not opposed to trashy dialogue and unoriginal storylines, but there is zero heart in this film. It’s all very flat and dull and no fun at all. Some of the visual effects are nice and gory, but it’s not enough to make this worth seeing.

**

Moofies - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)

2010-09-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've recently finished reading the first novel of the Steig Larsson trilogy and I have to say that it reads like a film. The writing is kind of stodgy and uninteresting, but the storyline seems like it would make a great film. Hopefully the film version doesn't just destroy all that the book had going for it.

REALITY: This isn't bad at all.

The visuals are pretty spot on to the pictures I had in my mind when reading the novel which was a nice surprise. Blomkvist, the hero of the story, is kind of ugly and boring like I imagined he would be, Salander is a thing gothy woman who looks much younger than she actually is, and the locations look like I imagined they would.

The storyline involves Blomkvist, a journalist, being hired to solve a decades old mystery. He paws over old images looking for clues that have been missed. The film captures this long, slow but interesting process very well I think.

Salander, the title character, is a hacker who plays by her own rules (oooooooo). She ends up becoming embroiled in Blomkvist's case and helping him try and solve the case of the missing child.

This film (and novel for that matter) is far from original, but there is a certain dark and slow tone that I really enjoyed. It's pretty much like watching an excellent crime tele-movie. The characters are simple but interesting enough, the plot involves clues that lead to the inevitable conclusion, and there are a couple of twists and surprises. It's not rocket science or original at all, but it's still an enjoyable film and a very decent adaptation of the source material.

***

Moofies - Exit Through The Gift Shop (2010)

2010-09-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Banksy made a film? Well, it will at the very least be interesting. Banksy is best known for his street art; politically charged graffiti that is also extremely stylish and aesthetically pleasing. Can he make a film?

REALITY: You know when you watch a documentary and it bugs you not knowing whether or not it was some kind of scam or a real, true to life documentation of events?? In Exit Through The Gift Shop it doesn't really matter either way.

Exit tells the story of Thierry Guetta, a French man who owns a clothing store and follows around street artists with his video camera. We are shown fantastic footage of many famous street artists at work around the world, all working in the middle of the night to evade capture from the authorities.

After a lengthy and interesting couple of acts showing us the 'real' street artists, Guetta decides he is going to make his own street art and put on an underground show in Los Angeles. Whether or not Guetta is real or just Banksy playing a prank on everyone is unimportant because the show was real, people's reactions to the mish-mash of art was real, and the cover to Madonna's Celebration album is credited to Mr. Brainwash a.k.a. Thierry Guetta.

My gut tells me that this is just a great documentary about street art made more interesting with a huge prank on not only the viewer but the public at large, but again that is unimportant. The story, character, and art of Thierry Guetta has become a part of popular culture and it is extremely interesting and entertaining.

*****

Moofies - Four Lions (2010)

2010-09-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Christopher Morris, best known for Brass Eye, is behind this film, so I expect it to be fantastic.

REALITY: As Four Lions began I was unsure as to what it was I was seeing. The focus seemed to be on humour and I wasn't sure it was respectful or smart or something I was willing to go along with. I hung in there and it didn't take long for these 4 seemingly cartoonish British jihadists to become somewhat sympathetic.

The plot involves four young extremists planning a terrorist attack during a fun run event. Some of them are comically stupid, but there are moments when we see these extremists with their friends and family and it gives these villains a human face. While not condoning what they're doing or trying to give it a 'reason', the film still acts as an interesting investigation of a real life phenomenon; extremists living within a western context. I think the technique of 'hitting the audience with heavy themes while they're laughing' is very prevalent here.

I like being challenged by a film, and the final awful scenes at the finale of Four Lions had me laughing and crying at the same time. I think this film is something very specific to the stylings of Christopher Morris and while it may be hard to stomach I think it's a winner.

****1/2

Moofies - Piranha 3D (2010)

2010-09-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: The trailer promises a gory good time. I just hope that gory good time isn't bogged down by too much pointless story.

REALITY: This is the most fun I've had with 3D glasses on my face in my life.

The hero of this tale is the mopy brother from the Vampire Diaries. He's got the hots for Vanessa from Gossip Girl and he wants to hang out with her during whacky spring break party times, but unfortunately his Mum is Elisabeth Sheriff Shue so he has to babysit his little brother and sister for the day while she makes sure all drunken orgies and wet t-shirt contests run smoothly. Mopy vamp brother is offered a job from porno director Jerry O'Connell, helping scout locations to film naked women with huge fake breasts who listen to the Pixies, so he does the honorable thing and leaves to young children at home on their own and follows his testosterone filled dreams.

Meanwhile there is an ancient Piranha fish being unleashed by an almost unseen Dina Meyer (seriously, why cast Meyer and then not even show her face for more than 2 milliseconds). According to Christopher Doc Plumber the Piranha's are some crazy ass breed that will destroy us all.

After about 45 minutes of 3D boobs we get hammered with a fantastic onslaught of good time gore. This is the bloodiest film I've seen in a while, and I couldn't stop smiling throughout.

THIS is what 3D films SHOULD be. Don't make me cry while wearing 3D glasses (thanks PIXAR!!!) and don't try and take me to another world and bore me for hours (thanks CAMERON!!!); just shake boobs in my face and throw bloody limbs at me. It's what the creators of 3D films would have wanted.

This film honestly would have been a lot of fun in 2D, but the 3D just makes it more like a joyride. Jerry O'Connell is hilarious, Vanessa from GG is a freaking babe, Shue and Plumber make it feel like an old-school large budget film, solid cameos from Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, and porn star Gianna Michaels, and the gore is surprisingly satisfying.

This is pretty much a mish-mash of films we've seen a million times before, which means I can't REALLY give it 5/5, but I had 5/5 worth of fun with it.

****

Moofies - Don't Look Up (2009)

2010-08-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've seen some of Fruit Chan's films (Dumplings, Three...Extremes) and I was into them, but can his style work with an American cast?

REALITY: No. It can't.

After waaaaay too much opening text, we see Tim Roth on screen for two seconds and all of a sudden this film has the potential to be something great. Then the slow boring trek of nothing begins.

It's nice to see Henry Thomas on screen, but he doesn't really have much to do here, and the rest of the cast is just plain awful. The main character looks like he just walked out of one of many straight to video snooze fests, and he spends this entire film not doing much.

A film maker goes back to the original set of an old film that was never finished and tries to complete the cursed movie. There's a lot of scenes where people slowly walk around cheap looking sets with torches, occasionally stopping at doors to listen to bee noises, and then not OPENING THE DOOR! It's so infuriatingly dull.

When things begin to actually happen and we see a lot of bees and flies and deaths, it's all done with incredibly cheap and nasty CGI and not worth the effort.

I haven't seen the original Japanese version (directed by Hideo Nakata - Ring) but I imagine it's 100% better than this forgettable travesty. I'm not opposed to crap, cheap films; I'm opposed to boring films, and this is boooooooooring.

1/2 a star

Moofies - The A-Team (2010)

2010-08-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: The original A-Team series takes me back to being a young kid again and totally loving it. The plots are a little slow and boring, but it's heaps of fun. I just hope that fun is the focus of this new remake and they don't try and shove some serious overtones and hipster shaky cam down my throat.

REALITY: This is a little messy and completely retarded, but I think The A-Team does what it probably set out to do (other than make loads of cash) and that's bring the mood of the original series into the 21st century.

Firstly, the casting is spot on. I'm not a Liam Neeson fan at all, but he acts like Hannibal, Bradley Cooper looks like he could be related to Dirk Benedict, Quinton Jackson pulls off a Mr.T impression that's nuanced enough that it doesn't feel like he's just taking the piss, and Shartlo Copley (Wikus from District 9) does crazy, whacky Murdoch just fine. They're similar enough to the original cast that it is actually the A-Team and not just another action movie with the same name, and they're different enough to make it fresh and different.

The action is completely over the top (one scene sees Faceman operating a cannon weapon as it falls out of a plane) but I would expect nothing less. I think what lets the film down a lot is the overly confusing plot. Let me see if I can explain it:

The A-Team are a military team who are asked specifically not to go on a mission. They go anyway and are framed by some other naughty team; so the naughty team are the bad guys, right? Then they go undercover in order to return to America and their lives back home with the help of this guy who they met that one time before they did that mission. Jessica Biel is chasing after them, but she's not a bad guy; she works for the government or something. Then she's also chasing that one guy because he is maybe bad. So she's chasing the A-Team and that one guy who is with the A-Team, except she's good, and the naughty team are chasing the A-Team, and that one guy is actually bad or something.

Maybe I'm just a bit thick, but I like my dumb over the top action movies to have really simple plots. None of the characters are actually developed in any way, so adding more 1 dimensional characters to the story just makes the whole thing more confusing than necessary.

It's also a shame that The Losers came out earlier this year because the story is very similar and I think it stole a bit of The A-Team's thunder.

Still, it could have been much worse and much more forgettable. It's pretty fun.

***

Moofies - Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010)

2010-08-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've read all 6 volumes of the Scott Pilgrim comic book and I completely and utterly love it. The last volume was only released 2 weeks before the film, and reading the end was completely bitter sweet. I enjoyed it, but I also didn't want it to be over. Ever.

While being very precious about the original source material, I think that if anyone can make it into a good film Edgar Wright can. He juggled genre gore and jokes with totally relatable characters and dramatic moments perfectly in Shaun of the Dead, so I hope that he can do the same here.

REALITY: I couldn't really have asked for a better adaptation.

Scott Pilgrim (Cera) is a young musician who becomes infatuated with the beautiful Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). In order to continue dating, Scott must defeat Romona's seven evil exes in a variety of extremely well choreographed battles.

Firstly, the casting, costume and makeup is all spot on. If I was being extremely picky I could say that Micheal Cera was a little too much Micheal Cera, but that's just because he's very recognisable. His hair and costume were still perfect.

The sets are spectacularly the same as they are in the comic book. Seeing as the comic book is set in some real Canadian places that wouldn't have been so hard to achieve, but I still appreciate the effort to keep the look the same.

The way the film incorporates visual sound effects (like "Whump!" "Tock!", etc) is seamless rather than invasive. The way the lettering appears and fades, it gives the feel that a sound effect gives when you read it in a comic book, rather than being an invasive Adam West Batman over the top "WHAM!".

The whole film is also completely embedded in video game/comic book/music culture and it's done with care. It may alienate anyone who hasn't grown up immersed in video games, but that doesn't include me so I was totally into it.

Visually this could have been messy, but I think we live in a culture now that can recognise visual cues extremely quickly, and now film technology and expertise has finally caught up with what our brains can easily process.

The audio also seamlessly mixes video game sounds into every day situations, and the music is great. I'm enjoying the soundtrack again as I write.

I have to say I prefer the comic books, but only because it gives the reader more time to get to know and love the characters. Some of my favourite subplots were missing completely from the film, but I understand why. As much as I would love to watch a 6 hour Scott Pilgrim film that sticks completely to the source material, I understand why I can't. As for the few internet voices I hear saying that they prefer the end of the film to the end of the comic book???? I completely disagree. The comic book ended in a huge, manga-epicness way. I don't understand why some people seem to prefer simplified versions of stories. In some ways I'm glad the film was a little different because it meant there were some surprises, but the book still gives the reader the chance and time to connect to the characters more so than the film. The last volume also gave us more time with Kim, which was very much missed from the film.

I think any criticisms of Scott Pilgrim vs the World are miniscule and unimportant when you look at how much Wright has achieved with it. If I described the entire plot with text on paper it would seem overly complicated and crazy, but using comic book and video game visuals Wright has made a completely enjoyable film that made me smile for almost the entire duration.

*****

Moofies - The Ghost Writer (2010)

2010-08-12T01:44:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Polanski films have a certain traditional style of storytelling to them, which is not necessarily surprising but is always solid and well structured. The Ghost Writer doesn't sound like the most thrilling of tales, but I expect a well structured film none-the-less.

On a side note, I find it odd that Polanski escapes imprisonment for raping a 13 year old girl by going overseas, and yet actors still clamber to work with him. Maybe he's innocent, I don't know the guy, but it's still a pretty strange situation.

REALITY: It's pretty hard to fault this film.

Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan) is an ex-Prime Minister of England, with overt similarities to Tony Blair. When his the body of his assistant is found mysteriously washed up on the beach, a new ghost writer is needed to finish Lang's memoirs. The Ghost (Ewan McGregor, whose character is never named) is hired to complete the writing task. While working on the book, Lang is attacked in the media for his treatment of two possible terrorists while he was PM, and the Ghost becomes embroiled in a web of mystery.

What could have been a boring talk-fest is actually a really engaging film. Everything from the house on the beach that the film is set, to the performances, to the eery soundtrack, all come together to make a thrilling and edge of your seat experience; I think comparisons could easily be made to Hitchcock. There are also surprising moments of quirky but real humour throughout.

McGregor seems to play similar characters in most of his films, the likable-middle-of-the-road-guy-who-is-a-bit-of-a-cheeky-trouble-maker-who-makes-mistakes-but-still-tries-to-do-the-right-thing, but he's really great at it; Brosnan is fantastic in this as the powerful lusty minister with a private and public persona; Olivia "Adelle/Dr.Moira" Williams is fantastic as Lang's wife; even Kim Cattrall gives a good performance. This is solid stuff.

There are a few unlikely events that take away from the film a little, but it's still a great watch that is disarmingly gripping.

****

Moofies - Fantastic Planet (1973)

2010-08-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've been looking for this film for a long time, so my expectations are pretty high. I don't know why I didn't just order a DVD off the internet. It's just one of those movies that I've read so much about since I was in high school and for some forgetful reason I've missed seeing for over 15 years.

With all that in mind, I expect a psychedelic animation feast.

REALITY: This is visually incredible. The animation feels like a mix between Terry Gilliam's work on Monty Python's Flying Circus and the animated segments of Pink Floyd's The Wall.

On the world of Ygam human-like creatures are called 'Om'. They are lower class citizens when compared to the enormous bodies and minds of the blue Draags. Children Draags keep Oms as pets while adult Draags spend a lot of time meditating and reaching astral planes of existence. One Om, Terr, becomes educated in Draag culture and knowledge and escapes captivity. Terr finds a hidden civilisation of Om and teaches them the ways of the Draag world. The Draag's become suspicious of the Om and a bloodthirsty war begins.

The themes of racism and war are very obvious and simple, but the visuals are just too amazing and surrealistic that the simplicity of the plot can be overlooked. Also the culture of Ygam has been well thought out and executed, lending a very distinct feel to the film. The animation process must have been painstakingly long, but there is nothing quite like old school animation by hand. It just looks incredible.

The pacing is nice and slow, the proggy psychedelic soundtrack is perfectly matched to the visuals, and I'm sure many a cinema was filled with teenagers on acid experiencing the world of Ygam on the big screen. I enjoyed this a lot and it deserves all the culty praise that it gets.

*****

Moofies - The Runaways (2010)

2010-08-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I find it hard to really get into biopics or films about bands or music. They tend to all use very similar cliches and what were probably incredibly ordinary moments are looked at in hindsight as completely amazing and special. I really enjoyed I'm Not There because it was more linked to music than film and said more about Dylan's character than a regular biopic could have. The Runaways music is great though, and I'm keen to see Kristen Stewart in another film that doesn't involve vampires.

REALITY: There are very little surprises in The Runaways and it does follow the typical 'biopic' rules, but it's a lot of fun. Both Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning pull off wearing their outfits without looking like kids in ridiculous dress-ups, and there is a ton of music in this. Honestly, the soundtrack is so good and matched with excellent visuals; it's pretty hard to not enjoy this.

Fanning and Stewart actually sing in the film and they do it well. They also give really strong performances. I never thought I would say that Dakota Fanning could act, but I believed her in this. Micheal Shannon as Kim Fowley is completely over the top and ridiculous, but as far as I know so was Fowley himself, so I bought it.

There are those unfortunate "holy moments" in the film, but not too many of them and they're still fun. This is far from original, and probably not much more than an opportunity to introduce Twilight fangirls to Joan Jett and The Runaways, but why not?

***1/2

Moofies - Life During Wartime (2009)

2010-08-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Todd Solondz has a disturbingly dark sense of humour, so much so that I laugh at what I see in his films and then hate myself a little bit for it. He pushes the boundaries of taste and decency in everything he does, but I think he still does it in a classy way (unlike Family Guy). I'm not always 100% sure what he is trying to get at with his films, or if he is even trying to get at anything, but I like what he does.

REALITY: If you are a Solondz fan there are very little surprises here, but that's fine.

Life During Wartime begins with what seem to be separate tales, but eventually they all intertwine and the characters are linked through family. Joy (Shirley Henderson) breaks up with her boyfriend because he is addicted to perverted phone calls with strangers. She moves back in with her mother and tries to work out what to do with her life. Her sister Trish (Allison Janney) is trying to rebuild her life after her ex-husband is imprisoned for pedophilia.

All the performances are excellent, with a fantastic appearance by Ally Sheedy as a rich screenwriter whose boyfriend is "Keanu"; and Paul "Pee-Wee" Reubens as the ghost of one of Joy's past lovers.

There are themes of guilt, isolation, misguidedness, and misunderstanding; all seemingly linked to the war in Afghanistan. I think I need to watch it again to try and understand what Solondz is trying to say, if anything, but I love how black the humour is. Solondz makes the darkest comedy I've ever seen, and while this isn't necessarily any better than what he's made before, it's great that he's continuing to make films that are unlike anything else on screen.

****

Moofies - Inception (2010)

2010-08-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Nolan's films to date have either been really strong mystery stories with a twist (Memento, The Prestige) or dark comic book films that balance high comic book drama ridiculousness with grounded character reality (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight). From the trailer Inception appears to promise a mix of both, so I'm pretty keen.

REALITY: Nolan has blown my mind again.

Inception tells the story of Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio), a thief who specialises in stealing ideas and information from the mind. It's a simple idea with zero basis in reality, but this simple idea becomes increasingly more intricate and complicated as the film progresses.

I have to admit that I worship the ground Nolan walks on, and here is why:

With all of his films to date, but especially The Dark Knight and Inception, Nolan has taken the enormous comic book drama style, mixed it with interesting and current themes, given it an old-school dark look with minimal computer effects, and created some of the most iconic and amazing big action scenes to date within films that can be read at multiple levels.

The last film to mix heady wanky ideas of reality and philosophy with amazing action visuals was The Matrix, and seeing as Inception is another film that messes with perception and has amazing visuals comparisons are inevitable; but I think Inception stands on its own as a strong, original film. It also has what is possibly the best fight scene in any film ever. Honestly, watch that fight scene in the hallway and tell me you weren't completely blown away? It was clever and unlike anything I've seen on screen before.

I normally loathe films that delve into the mind and try to represent dreams and thoughts with visuals. The Cell comes to mind, a visually amazing film with a silly and disappointingly simple plot. Inception, however, creates a tangible world within the mind that, despite being amazing and otherworldly, looks familiar and real.

There are a bazillion clues that warrant multiple viewings to understand. My wife and I disagree about what exactly happened in the finale, which is great. I think that film should provoke discussion and investigation. One nice touch was the choice of song to 'wake up' the dreamers. They wake up to Edith Piaf's Non, je ne regrette rien. Marion Cotillard plays Cobb's "dead" wife in the film. She also won an academy award for playing Edith Piaf. The intertextual link adds another level to the realities in which the film takes place.

I could blab on for a long time about this film, but it is probably best done with people who have seen it. Friends and reviewers have said that it was a little too stupid and beyond belief, but I think even on that level it is original and something worth seeing. I, on the other hand, think this is amazing and I got sucked right in to the mega drama of the whole thing.

*****

Moofies - Killers (2010)

2010-08-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I hate Ashton Kutcher. Seriously, whenever he's on screen my skin crawls with disgust. He's not attractive and he seems completely insincere and I hate him. Katherine Heigl, on the other hand, is ridiculously attractive. I remember staying up late to watch Roswell, which was a pretty ordinary show, just to see Heigl, who back then was just 'that hot chick with red hair who I have never seen in anything else ever'. Her awesomeness wasn't enough to get me to watch Grey's Anatomy for more than a couple of episodes, but Killers is just some lighthearted piece of junk movie. I should be able to stomach this, right?

REALITY: WRONG! This was painful.

Kutcher is a hitman (who cares what his "character" name is??) who wants to quit. He meets Heigl while she is on holidays with her parents Tom Selleck and Catherin O'Hara. Heigl and Kutcher have awkward banter, which I guess is supposed to be 'flirting', and then we jump ahead a whole bunch to their wedding day. Then we jump ahead even further to their pathetic suburban existence and Heigl is worried that Kutcher is lying to her about something.

Despite quitting his hitman job years ago after meeting the lovely Heigl, Kutcher is a wanted man by some bad guys for some reason I don't remember or care about. Killers begin chasing him and Heigl is pissed because she has been lied to all these years about Kutcher's previous profession.

After a minimum amount of setup, we spend most of the film watching Heigl and Kutcher hatefully yelling at each other. Yelling isn't really all that funny, especially when the 'love' between these two hasn't been setup at all. The end is predictable and takes far too long to happen, O'Hara tries really hard to be the only funny thing in the film but just comes off as yet another annoying character, Heigl spends the whole time mad and therefore fairly unlikable, and I just want to smash Kutcher in the face every time he's on screen because I loathe him so much.

Some of the action scenes were pretty well choreographed which was a nice surprise, but I didn't really sit through a "romantic" "comedy" to see a good knife fight.

*1/2

Moofies - Greenberg (2010)

2010-08-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've enjoyed Noah Baumbach's other films about dysfunctional/normal people and families, and I also think Ben Stiller is great, so this could be great.

REALITY: Greenberg opens as a smart, funny film about some socially awkward people, but by the end of the film I was in love with every character and totally immersed and emotionally invested in the film, rather than just observing some interesting thing.

Roger Greenberg (Stiller) moves into his brother's house in L.A. while his brother and family are away. While there Roger meets Florence (Greta Gerwig), a young woman who is hired to look after the family dog and other household duties. They have a connection which begins in a totally awkward way but grows into something beautiful. When I say 'beautiful' it's not like they walk off into the sunset together or anything; you just see them go through some realistic and not over-the-top dramatic circumstances with each other and they grow closer through it all.

Roger also catches up with his best friend Ivan (Rhys Ifans) while in town. Roger struggles to identify with Ivan's new outlook on life and family and the connection they once had seems lost.

It's a simple storyline that is more about Roger's character and growth than anything else, filled with strong performances and a clear love for these characters from behind the camera. Greenberg is Baumbach's best film to date.

*****

Moofies - Wild Target (2010)

2010-08-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Bill Nighy just oozes cool, Emily Blunt is really easy to watch, and I'm curious to see if little Ron Weasley has grown up to be less annoying and reliant on fart jokes.

REALITY: This is extremely fun to watch.

Victor Maynard (Nighy, with possibly one of the coolest character names of all time) plays a hitman who is considering settling down and retiring. His recent target is Rose (Blunt), a sneaky thief who is constantly ripping people off and living life on the wild side. Victor can't bring himself to kill Rose because he feels a connection to her. While saving Rose's life from another killer, Victor meets Tony (Rupert Grint), a stoner who just happened to be hanging around near a carpark when Rose was almost killed. Tony shows a natural talent for all things killer so Victor takes him under his wing, and the two of them try to keep the minxy Rose out of harms way.

The casting in this film is spot on. All three leads get to play to their strengths and despite being simplistic, cartoony characters in a completely predictable plot, the film is extremely enjoyable.

One subplot involving Victor questioning his sexuality is poorly executed and strange. Victor thinks perhaps he is attracted to Tony, but because of the huge age gap between the two and the father figure that he has become it feels more like Victor is contemplating pedophilia rather than homosexuality. Thankfully, this subplot is brief and doesn't ruin what is otherwise a great film.

***1/2

Moofies - Solaris (2002)

2010-08-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I saw this back in 2002 and I remember I liked it, but I barely remember what it is about, so I think it's time for another viewing.

REALITY: This is fantastic. The visuals, slow pace, and soundtrack to Solaris are like nothing else (possibly they are like the original version, but I haven't seen it yet).

Chris Kelvin (Clooney) is a psychologist who is sent to an isolated space station after some disturbing transmissions. When he shows up the unusual vibe of the place is palpable, without using shock value. The performances are very occasionally a little too over the top (I think Viola Davis over did it a bit), but for the most part they are very subdued.

We see Kelvin's difficult relationship with his wife in flashbacks, which reflects the difficult relationship between the human beings and the entity/planet they are studying, or between the entity/planet and the human beings that it is studying. There are excellent portrayals of grief and guilt, and we can see that despite being in the past these feelings are very much alive and present.

The storyline is quite simple, but the vibe this film creates is like nothing else, and the simple storyline enables various themes to be explored without excessive plot getting in the way. I don't always enjoy Soderbergh films this much, but he's always interesting and trying different things. I'd love to see him make another science fiction film though because Solaris is fantastic.

*****

Moofies - Date Night (2010)

2010-08-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've never really watched 30 Rock for long enough to get over how annoyingly quirky it is, but Mean Girls was great, so hopefully Tina Fey will be great in this also. I've never watched the American The Office for long enough to get over the fact that Ricky Gervais isn't in it, but Carell has been in plenty of other things that were hilarious, so hopefully he will be hilarious in this.

REALITY: It's awkward how unfunny this film is. Tina Fey and Steve Carell struggle their way through this film in what sounds like ad-libbed dialog, but for some reason it just isn't funny. The premise is that poor old Phil and Claire Foster have no more excitement in their relationship. They get home from work too tired for sex, and when Blair Waldorf babysits the kids for them one night a week they end up at the same restaurant eating the same meal and making the same jokes. Boo hoo.

One night the couple take someone else's reservation at a fancy pants club. After an evening of fun and partying with the upper class glitter people they are mistaken by a couple of goons as the surname that their reservation is under and a crazy chase ensues.

The premise isn't terrible and should have provided plenty of opportunity for Fey and Carell to bounce witty banter off each other in a series of whacky situations. Instead we get flat, boring, stilted, unfunny nothing.

Mark Wahlberg almost saves the day with his topless performance, but even that scene turns into this strange, self-loathing, condescending mess. Carell spouts a speech about how even though he doesn't have abs and he gets home tired he's still a worthy human being, bla, bla, bla. Calm down, Steve Carell. You're a rich movie star and I don't relate to your character or his problems at all because I'm not an asshole.

It bothers me when movies try and relate to the 'common man' and 'everyday problems' but end up just making fun of people and assuming that anyone who isn't a celebrity wishes that they were; but the main reason this movie sucks is that it's not funny but it desperately wants to be.

*1/2

Moofies - Heartbreaker (2010)

2010-08-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I honestly expect very little from this film. It's set in France, so it will be pretty, and Johnny Depp's woman is stupidly attractive, so I'm interested to see how she acts.

REALITY: This is so dumb, but I expected that it would be so it wasn't like a huge let down or something.

Alex (Romain Duris) is seemingly god's gift to women. People hire him when they need a couple to break up. Using plans that would make Wile.E. Coyote roll his eyes, Alex and his two offsiders use disguises, background knowledge, and Alex's fake speech and tears to win the hearts of multiple women. After a kiss, Alex says that it is too late for him. His heart is broken forever, but it is not to late for the woman in his arms to move on and live an amazing life. It's like a 'you deserve better' speech which makes women leave the men that they are with.

Alex owes some thugs a lot of money, so he takes a tough case; trying to get Juliette (Vanessa Paradis/Ms Depp) to call off her wedding with the dashing Jonathon (Andrew Lincoln) just days before the big day. He uses her love of WHAM! and Dirty Dancing to win her over, but it is not until he gives her some honesty that they finally fall in love. Bla, bla, bla.

Alex is likable enough, as is Juliette, but the 'chemistry' is not really there, and the premise of this film is pretty awful. According to this film, all women need is one attractive man to cry and tell them that they are wonderful and they will leave their partners. They obviously can't just make up their own minds like the adult human beings that they are; they need a complete stranger to step in and change their minds for them. It was pretty icky stuff.

I laughed a lot more than I thought I would, and France looks amazing, so it's not all bad.

**

Moofies - Breathless/À bout de souffle (1960)

2010-08-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Jean-Luc Godard is referred to so much by film snobs and directors as this god of cinema, but for some reason I have never seen any of his work. Breathless is celebrating its 50th anniversary with a re-mastered cinema run, so we decided to go and see what Godard was all about on the big screen.

REALITY: This is fantastic. I'm sure plenty of people reading this are saying, "Yeah, no shit, genius", but for me, in 2010, knowing nothing about Godard, this was a really enjoyable and interesting film.

Right from the start Breathless feels very guerrilla and experimental. The star of the film steals a car and then talks directly to the camera as he's driving. He doesn't talk directly to the camera again for the entire film. There are a lot of jump cuts and conversations that have been very obviously manipulated by the film maker. Godard is making his presence known throughout, destroying the illusion that this is some kind of reality we are watching.

There are many references to image and how we are reflected in image, or how images reflect ourselves. Patricia (Jean Seberg) compares herself to a Renoir print, asking "Am I as pretty as her?". Michel (Jean-Paul Belmondo) compares himself to Bogey. His entire persona is that of a cinema tough guy. He is constantly buying newspapers and looking at the world through the lens of media.

After watching this at the cinema I bought the DVD and watched it again. I think a few more viewings will be necessary before I can pick up on all the themes that Godard is trying to explore, but at the same time as being brain food, the film is very enjoyable. The Paris streets look great, the stars look great, there is a lot of humour throughout, and there is a simple but captivating plot involving the Michel being chased by detectives because he murdered a police officer.

If the rest of the French Nu-Wave cinema is anything like this, then I've got a library of excellent films ahead of me.

*****

Moofies - The Cry of the Owl (2009)

2010-08-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: It seems Julia Stiles is still acting, so expect to watch her in this. Hopefully she won't be dancing to R&B.

REALITY: This is an odd film.

Paddy (Robert Forrester) spends a lot of time hiding in the woods, watching Jenny (Julia Stiles) as she washes the dishes and cooks in her cottage home. One day Paddy gets caught, and instead of calling the police or throwing blunt objects at him, Jenny invites Paddy inside for a chat. A strange relationship grows between them, and when Jenny's boyfriend goes missing, Paddy is the number one suspect.

The plot is seemingly ridiculous, but I think Stiles pulls off the 'unhealthy mental case' role pretty convincingly, so the fact that she would want to be close to her stalker is actually pretty easy to swallow. All the performances are fine, and the finale all makes a kind of sense; I'm just unsure what the point of this film was. It has a tone like nothing else I've ever seen, which is why it is worth a watch. It's just not that fantastic.

Great to see Stiles on screen though.

***

Moofies - Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

2010-08-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe film since I was a kid. I watched chose this film in a tired plane daze, hoping that it would be fun.

REALITY: I enjoyed this way too much.

The plot that surrounds a few catchy song and dance numbers involves two women who take a cruise to Paris. Monroe plays Lorelei Lee, a seemingly airhead blonde who uses her sex appeal to get what she wants out of stupid rich men. Jane Russell, the real star of the film, plays Dorothy Shaw, a headstrong woman who is constantly having to bail Lorelei out of trouble.

I kind of expected a more sexist film, seeing as it was made in 1953 and is titled Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, but this Betty and Veronica team are actually portrayed in an almost empowering way. Monroe plays a vacuous consumer, but at the same time she is a free woman who gets what she wants. Russell eventually succumbs to manpower, but throughout the film she is the strongest character and is constantly turning down romantic offers. She also dances with a bunch of scantily clad men, commanding them and treating them like muscled sex objects. It's still very much a tame product of its time, but not as crazy sexist as I expected it would be.

The musical numbers are fantastic and cheery, and I would happily sit through this campy fest all over again.

****

Moofies - R.T.T (2009)

2010-08-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I chose this film from a selection of French cinema on a plane trip, so all I expected was that it would be in French.

REALITY: This is yet another French film trying to appeal to a Hollywood audience with humour and cuteness but falling flat on its face in the attempt. The storyline begins okay, with an average underdog male becoming unsuspectingly embroiled in the life of a female thief, but it becomes very ridiculous very quickly. None of the characters are very likable, and the supposed chemistry between the two leads is not present at all. Some of the scenery is pretty, but there is not much to like here.

**

Moofies - Youth In Revolt (2009)

2010-06-08T19:19:00.001-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Michael Cera plays awkward teenage boy for the bazillionth time, although he also plays opposite himself as a super cool sleaze bag. This could be great.

REALITY: I didn't hate this.

Cera plays Nick Twisp, a quirky teenage boy who listens to Sinatra records and is obsessed with losing his virginity. Nick's Mum and her boyfriend take him to a trailer park for a little holiday trip where he meets the sexy Sheeni Saunders and falls in love. Eventually Nick has to go home, so in order to move in with his father who lives closer to Sheeni, Nick must become a bad boy and do bad things in order to be kicked out by his Mum. Nick is very much a straight, good boy so he calls on his alter ego Francois Dillinger to become his evil influence.

This is almost as infuriating as Juno in its quirky "I'm sooo cool"-ness, but it occasionally holds back on the quirk factor and lets the story and characters take centre stage. There are a myriad of great cast members with small parts, my favourite being Ray Liotta as the cop who hits on Nick's Mum, and Michael Cera is honestly excellent as two personas, showing that he can actually act, but this never felt much more than a film begging to be precious and loved. I laughed a lot, and it was fun, but once was enough.

***

Moofies - I Love You Phillip Morris (2009)

2010-06-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: All I know is that this is a film I've never heard of starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor.

REALITY: This was pretty messy.

The film begins with Carrey looking really sick in a hospital bed, narrating his life story to us. He was adopted, he gets married, has a kid, is a seemingly all-American straight guy, but he's secretly gay. He's also a con artist.

Right from the beginning of the film the story jumps all over the place and takes on too many plot points and too many genres for one film. It's based on a supposedly true story, but that doesn't mean that every aspect of the true story has to be on screen. Someone needed to hack at this a lot more before it reached its final cut. At one point Carrey approaches his birth mother and is rejected, and that's where that story ends. His adoption and rejection, all over in two scenes that should have been left on the cutting room floor because they relate to nothing else in the entire film.

Carrey goes to prison for being a conman, meets Ewan McGregor, and they fall in love. McGregor is 110% in love with Carrey in this film; I completely bought his performance, but Carrey just hams it up to the max. I think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind proved that in order for Carrey to pull off a serious performance he needs to tone it down by about a million, which he doesn't do in I Love You Phillip Morris.

There are comedic moments, a couple which made me laugh, but there are far too many completely ridiculous stereotypes and over generalizations. When Carrey comes out of the closet he begins to rob more money because "being gay is sooo expensive". Ugh. When Carrey and McGregor re-unite they don't have a massive big loving kiss; McGregor goes straight to Carrey's zipper excitedly and as he's giving him a blow job Carrey winces in a "comical" manner ,"Ouch! Don't bite!". According to the film makers all gay men think about is cocks and expensive clothing.

I'm surprised this film got funding, but I was still interested enough in the storyline and McGregor's performance to watch it all the way through.

Moofies - The Spy Next Door (2010)

2010-06-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Jackie Chan used to make extremely entertaining kung-fu films that were action packed and full of simple but funny humour. Now, amongst some more "serious" Cantonese films, Chan is churning out some American stinkers, and I expect this is another one.

REALITY: This is almost as bad as The Tuxedo, but the "moral lessons" of The Spy Next Door are lot easier to swallow, so it's not so bad.

Chan plays Bob Ho, a seemingly boring pen salesman who is in actual fact an undercover spy. Bob lives next door to Gillian, a single Mum with three kids and various pets, including a baby pig. Bob and Gillian are dating, and Gillian leaves the kids with Ho for a couple of days, hoping that Ho and the kids will connect. Unfortunately some enemy Russian spies want some "all spark" or whatever garbage that Jackie Chan has, and hilarity ensues as Chan has to fight off spies while looking after three young kids.

The formula is far from original, but there's no reason that this couldn't have been entertaining. The problem for me lies in the fact that I hated everyone in this movie except for Jackie Chan. His girlfriend is boring, her kids are completely annoying shits, and the bad guys act like Natasha and Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle, except they aren't animated characters from the 1960s so it isn't funny.

Chan can still kick butt and swing chairs just like he always does, and I'm fine with that; it was really sad to see him use body doubles in this one though. Chan's whole schtick is that he does all his own stunts. He mostly does them in this film, but there are a couple of moments where it is clearly a stand-in. They are pointless moments too; one involves "Chan" doing flippy tricks with a BMX bike. Considering Chan does all his own stunts, and clearly he cannot do BMX tricks, perhaps it would have been wiser to just not include that scene in the film.

This was pretty bad, but still not Chan's worst.

*1/2

Moofies - The Losers (2010)

2010-05-19T23:24:00.001-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: This is yet another comic book film, so I HAVE to see it. I haven't read The Losers before, but I know that it's a DC Vertigo book. Vertigo books are always at least interesting and different, so hopefully this film will be too. It's co-written by James Vanderbilt, the writer of the awesome Zodiac, so this could be great.

REALITY: This is pretty far from what I'd expect from a Vertigo book, but I still totally enjoyed it.

"The Losers" are a CIA black ops team. In the opening scenes they avoid assassination, but the world believes that they are dead. While hiding out they cross paths with Zoe "Uhura" Saldana who says she can help them get back at Max, the man behind their assassination, and the super happy action times continue.

Max is played by an old and painfully bad Jason Patric, and the storyline is fairly simplistic, but despite these downfalls I really dug this film. The action is stylish, but not in an unwatchable annoying way; it looks great. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is a great leading action man, Chris Evans is funny like he should be, and the rest of the team all do what you want them to do. Occasionally some of the humour falls short, but mostly it works, and despite their stupidity, all of the action scenes are great.

The film ends very open and begging for a sequel. I just hope enough people go and see this so that we get one. I thought it was great.

***1/2

Moofies - Donkey Punch (2008)

2010-05-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: It's a British horror film set in Spain and there are some kind of Cannes Film Festival looking logos on the cover. Could this be a classy horror indy horror film?

REALITY: This is pretty dull stuff. Some British lasses are having a girly holiday when they meet some British lads at a bar. The lads have a boat, so the youf all head out into the water, get drunk and high, and flirt like crazy. One of the lads tells the gang about a sexual act called a 'donkey punch'. While a guy has sex with a girl doggy style, just before he comes, if he punches her on the back of the neck there is supposedly some kind of involuntary muscle spasm that feels great. Charming.

Anyhow, the gang all start having crazy sex with video cameras, and one lad decides to give the 'donkey punch' a go. His punch kills the lass he is having sex with, which begins a whole lot of "tense" moments and blaming. "We can't tell the police because bla, bla, bla", "That's not right", "Shut up", "I'll kill you", etc.

The film goes for far too long with unlikable characters and nothing happening, and then when things do start to happen I'm just hanging out for all of these morons to kill each other.

No surprises, the most likable character survives and everyone else dies. Boooring.

Moofies - Bunny and the Bull

2010-05-18T00:44:00.001-07:00

EXPACTATIONS: I've watched all three series of The Mighty Boosh many times, and this is a film made by the director of Boosh so I'm pretty excited.

REALITY: This was a little bit of a let down, but still had plenty of enjoyable elements.

Firstly, there is a crazy attention to detail, akin to something like Wes Anderson's films; the backgrounds and costumes are filled with so much detail and love. Most of the film is told in flashbacks that include a lot of "crafty" looking crayon and paper animation and surrealistic environments. It gives the film a very unique and cool look.

Secondly, there are lots of familiar Boosh faces who make appearances, which is sweet, and they are all funny and used well.

I think where the film let me down was with its tone and characters. The main characters are Stephen, a quite shy guy, and Bunny, his wild inconsiderate friend. Stephen could have been a funny and incredibly straight straight guy, and there are some moments of that, but in other moments he becomes such a sad pushover that he's hard to stomach. I just wanted to yell at him to "man up" or something. Bunny could have been the funny wild friend, and there are some moments of funny wildness, but he does some things in this movie that just make him fairly unlikable and mean.

I think the tone of the film is as confused as its characters are. At one point we're watching a funny wacky adventure, and then all of a sudden we're supposed to be upset about something serious happening. It left me feeling a bit strange really.

It's cool to see something this visually unique, and I laughed at a lot of scenes, but as a whole it kind of didn't work well. I look forward to seeing what Paul King does next.

***

Moofies - New York, I Love You (2009)

2010-05-17T23:21:00.001-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: This is the second film in a series of "some place or other, I love you". Multiple filmmakers create short films that are set in a place, and then the films are intertwined a little, and we end up with a sort of homage to a place. The first film was about Paris, and like most collections of this sort it was a little choppy. I still enjoyed it a lot though, and I expect I will enjoy this one too.

REALITY: Other than some odd casting there were zero surprises here. This is pretty much more of the same. I think some film makers are unable to make what they do work within the time frame and the context of a film like this, while others can make this play to their strengths; I think Ratner's story of a kid going to prom with a girl in a wheelchair is the strongest of the film, while it was great to see Ethan Hawke as a writer whose chat up line is that he guarantees he can please a woman sexually. Natalie Portman writes and directs a story about a father and his kid, and stars in a kind of interesting but brief story by Mira Nair.

It's not a bad film, but the segments are a little too brief and there isn't really a unifying theme other than the place the stories are set in. Also, where is Woody Allen? I don't know what the story is there, but although he's kind of left New York and makes films in Europe now, I think it would have been nice to see him return for a segment in this film seeing as for most of his career he has been Mister New York.

Anyway, New York, I Love You is by no means amazing, but it's a good way to pass a dreary afternoon and I'm sure I'll watch every film in the series.

**1/2

Moofies - Choke (2008)

2010-05-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've read an enjoyed every Chuck Palahniuk novel, and I think Fight Club made a great transition from book to screen. Sam Rockwell is a solid lead, but will Choke work as a film? I'm not really sure.

REALITY: While some elements were changed or left out in the transition from book to film, I think more changes were necessary to make this work better as a film.

Choke is the story of Victor, a guy who works at a colonial theme park. He also chokes on food in restaurants in order to be saved by wealthy people and sponge money off them in order to pay for the expensive hospital his mother is in. Victor is also a sex addict who attends sex addict anonymous meetings. His best friend is a chronic masterbater.

The storyline is typical Palahniuk stuff; a bunch of sordid, random ideas based on real life scenarios and myths all bungled together into a common theme. This makes for enjoyable reading, but Choke is kind of a messy film. There is a lot of flashbacks used, which in a novel makes perfect sense, but the big conclusion of the film, the pivotal moment, is a memory, something told in flashback. Perhaps this could have worked, but to me I felt like I was watching a novel on screen rather than a movie, if that makes sense. It's still pretty great, the performances are all strong and the cinematography and everything looks good, but there are some plot lines about placing rocks on an empty block, Victor being followed like he is the re-incarnation of Jesus, etc, that, while interesting, muddy up the film.

On a side note, Choke was adapted and directed by Clark Gregg, the S.H.I.E.L.D. guy from the Iron Man movies. Yeah! Iron Man!

***

Moofies - It's Complicated (2009)

2010-05-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: The premise of this film kind of scares me, and Steve Martin has turned into some kind of strange rubber android, but I'm bored and willing to watch anything in order to put off writing boring assignments.

REALITY: The first act of this film made me laugh quite a bit more than I thought it would, considering I didn't think I would laugh at all.

The premise is that good old Meryl Streep is divorced with older kids who are all finally moving out of home. Her ex-husband, Alec Baldwin, is now married to a much younger woman who he no longer loves and Baldwin and Streep begin to have an affair. Meanwhile, Streep meets Steve Martin, a single man who she really connects with. Baldwin gets jealous and hilarity ensues.

As a premise I honestly thought I would find this troubling or at least a little strange, but it's presented in a fairly easy to stomach way. Also, Alec Baldwin is funny. Admittedly I had a couple of drinks in me while watching this, but some of the Baldwin moments had me doing the full on belly laugh. Meryl Streep is also ridiculously used to being on screen, so much so that her performances feel effortless and honest. I know that sounds like the cheesiest praise ever, but let me give you an example of what I mean:

During one of the more excruciating scenes of the film Streep is talking to her group of girlfriends, telling them about her dirty little secret. Streep is very excited and laughing and blushing, etc, and I believe every second of it. Her friends, however, are not the same caliber of performers as Streep is so when they act excited, laughing and blushing, all I can see is four women making complete asses of themselves, cackling like geese and flapping their arms about. I might not like a lot of the film choices that Streep makes (Mamma Mia was indescribably embarrassing and Julie and Julia was watchable but Streep had to have the most annoying voice ever because she was portraying a real person) but she deserves all the ridiculous amount of praise she gets.

Anyway, back to It's Complicated. Baldwin was winning this film for me, until he got all serious. He was a fat buffoon and I was into it, and then he got all 'I'm so lownwy' and I couldn't stomach it anymore. The one thing that I liked about the film was gone so I eagerly awaited the closing credits. It's also painfully obvious who the target audience of the film is, which is kind of lazy. This could have been an old school 1980s funny romcom; all the elements are there, even if Steve Martin has turned into a Chinese android, but the film makers are trying to please their target audience way too much and alienating everyone else. I first felt this 'alienation' during the girlfriends scene that I mentioned above. The four women who are quacking away are the audience. Women who have been divorced, or are at least in unhappy marriages, fantasizing about running their own bakeries and adding extensions to their houses and having loving children and adorable son-in-laws and being able to cook food that people worship and being more desirable to their ex-husbands than thinner, younger women. The scene where this placating is at it's height is when Baldwin and Streep are in a hotel room for the afternoon in order to have some sexy time, and Baldwin has a mini-heart attack or whatever due to taking the wrong medication or something, so Baldwin and Streep spend the afternoon all snuggly in their hotel robes, sitting in bed eating ice-cream and watching Oprah. HAH! I'm not even making this up. It's like watching fantasy porn for middle aged American women. Very strange.

Anyway, I laughed at Baldwin and this film and premise had potential, but then it died in the arse and I lost all interest.

Moofies - Frontier(s) - (2007)

2010-05-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I recently watched and loved Martyrs, a French horror film, so I want to see if there are any other French horror films that live up to the standard that Martyrs has set in my mind. All I know about Frontier(s) is that it is French and it looks 'extreme'.

REALITY: This is yet another version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre that nobody asked for. Admittedly, there is a bit of difference this time. Rather than just another straight rip-off of the original crazy redneck family that eats people, this family runs an Inn, and they are neo-Nazis.

The family is trying to keep a 'pure' blood line going, but all attempts so far have failed, resulting in mutant looking children roaming around in the caverns beneath the Nazi home. This was kind of interesting and creepy, but for some reason the film makers insisted on these Nazi's also being cannibals, which just adds to an already messy plot. There is also some kind of political rioting going on in the streets, which our protagonists are escaping from. There's also some kind of love triangle situation going on between the group of youth/victims, and they've also stolen money from somewhere for some reason. Also, the Inn is one base of two that the Nazi's have, the other being an abandoned mine/farm or something.

I realise this sounds messy, but that's because the film is messy. It's all a bit vague and plot lines seem to be included in order to scare us rather than serve any kind of storyline. There are a couple of creepy moments (two of the youf being chased up a tiny tunnel with little light and air was fairly claustrophobic and tense) but I was yawning a fair bit during Frontier(s). More blood and more shock does not necessarily equal more scares or more entertainment, but the production values were still quite high and it was nice to see an attempt at something a little different.

**1/2

Moofies - The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - (2009)

2010-05-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: This looks horrific, but in that 'I know how to make creepy trashy films look classy' kind of way, so I have high hopes for this.

REALITY: This is pretty fantastic. Everything from the lighting, the choice of film stock/video used, and the crispness and sharpness of the editing make The Human Centipede (First Sequence) feel alien and detached, which is really unnerving.

I don't like to spoil films by outlining their plot in my reviews of them, but I feel like I need to let you know a little of what the premise of this film is in order to talk about what I thought of it.

Dr. Heiter (played by the German lovechild of Christopher Walken and Lance Henrikson) is famously known for successfully separating Siamese twins. He lives alone in a huge house in the middle of the forest. Two young tourists get a flat tire and find their way to his house, looking for help. Heiter tells them that he 'hates human beings', drugs them, and uses them as part of his 'human centipede' experiment. Heiter attaches the mouth of a person 1 to the anus of person 2, then the mouth of person 2 to the anus of person 3; the idea being that person 3 will eat, and the waste of person 3 will feed the body of person 2, and the waste of person 2 will feed the body of person 1, who will then defecate.

The premise would just seem ludicrous or excessively shocking if it wasn't presented in such a creepy and restrained way. Heiter is the star of the film. He's like no other character I've ever seen on screen before. He's an odd mix of hateful killer mixed with crazy detached scientist mixed with almost humorous odd moments of normalcy.

The soundtrack is minimal, meaning that for most of the duration of the film we hear the muffled cries of the two girls who have their mouths sewn to anuses. This is pretty far from pleasant viewing, but for what is seemingly a simple, if odd, premise there are plenty of moments of suspense and action amongst the awfulness.

The only thing that I think is missing is any kind of underlying theme or relation to something other than what is on screen, but the fact that this is missing only adds to the creepy factor. This is pretty far from being a film for everyone, but if you enjoy horror films then this is a must.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is due for release in 2011 and I can't wait.

****

Moofies - The Blind Side

2010-05-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: Sandra Bullock is easy enough to watch, but I expect I will absolutely hate this.

REALITY: I absolutely hated this.

The Blind Side tells the story of Sandra Bullock and her family of whiteys helping out the fat black kid who has nowhere to go by letting him stay in their house and become one of the family. Turns out the fat black kid is good at grid iron and becomes a sought after player by the NFL.

Firstly, it's kind of scary how racist this film is. It's based on a true story, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with a white family helping out a kid like this, but when it's put on screen this way a myriad of problems arise. Firstly, the only representation of black people we get in this film is a negative one. African Americans are seen as poor drug addicts who will amount to nothing without the help of white people. An affluent white woman decides that she wants to let "Big Mike" (a nickname that is sadly repeated extremely often for the first half of the film) live in her house. She babies him, reads to him, buys him clothes, and basically treats him in a caring but also extremely disrespectful and undignified manner.

Any 'cultural clashes' or conflicts of any kind are almost nonexistent. At one point Big Mike is taking whitey junior for a drive to buy a video game (that they didn't even ask if they could buy. Seriously, these kids pretty much demand that this new video game is out and they are getting it. Don't kids ask their parents for money anymore? Do rich kids just assume that their parents will give them whatever they want? I was wierded out by this little moment) and Mike isn't paying attention so there is a car accident. I'm all "Finally! Some kind of conflict!", but no. Junior is fine because Mike protected him with his arm, and whitey Mum isn't mad or anything. Ridiculous.

Bullock is the focus of the film, which is another reason I felt odd about The Blind Side. Mike is pretty much a blank slate for the entire film, representing something nice that a family did rather than being an actual character. There are some minuscule moments of conflict when Bullock's whitey friends have a go at her for her decision to adopt Mike, but Bullock's replies are completely focussed on herself. She's all "It's not what I teach Mike. It's what he has taught me" or some shit. What?!? He taught you that you can feel less guilty about being really rich by looking after a pushover black kid who hasn't robbed or molested you and is already in a private school and really good at sport? It's horrible.

Bullock won an academy award for this. I think that at some point it is possible that Bullock will star in a film that really pushes her comfort zone and she will wow viewers with her acting abilities, but I'm yet to see this. Her role in The Blind Side is yet another example of the "strong woman" gone mad. Bullock believes that she is right and no one can correct her. She is better at everything than everyone else (like coaching a grid iron team or raising a child) and no man is gonna tell her what to do, uh uh. She's basically a total fucking bitch and we're all supposed to applaud and laugh. Even the little shit whitey kid says a bunch of "cute" things, but really he's just being a little shitfaced brat who needs a parent to tell him to shut up.

I'm sure this film will make a ton of money when conservative church groups and American Fox news fans flock to see it on repeated viewings, but I couldn't stomach it. Even my lovely wife, who can sometimes sit through crap easier than me, was hating The Blind Side also. One last point; despite all my ideological reasons for hating this film, there is one unforgivable movie sin that The Blind Side commits: it's really, really boring.

1/2 a star.

Moofies - Mister Lonely

2010-05-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: The DVD case is bright pink and tells me pretty much nothing, except that Harmony Korine is the guy behind this film. He was also behind Gummo and Ken Park, so hopefully this will be another extremely unsettling look at teenagers or something.

REALITY: I don't really understand what I just watched. A Mexican Chris Lilley lookalike plays a guy who has taken on the persona of Micheal Jackson in Paris. While doing a show at an old people's home he meets a woman who has taken on the persona of Marilyn Monroe (Samantha Morton). Monroe brings Micheal to a farm where a group of other impersonators live together commune style.

This impersonator story intercuts with a tale of nuns who drop supplies from planes over small villages. A nun falls from the plane, through the sky, lands on the hard ground and miraculously survives. This miracle is attempted again, which means we see nuns falling out of planes on BMX bikes, flying and flipping through the sky.

The imagery in Mister Lonely is pretty fantastic, but it almost feels like the narrative is not necessary. I was watching this film in the same way I would watch a regular film, trying to follow some kind of theme or story, but it felt more like watching a film that you would see in an art gallery. There are a few ideas and themes present, Morton's performance is totally solid, and there are some really beautiful scenes, but as a whole they didn't quite gel for me.

**1/2

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Twenty

2010-05-11T19:40:00.001-07:00

Drumroll please...... this is it. Finally, the last character on my list of favourite TV characters (who are in no particular order). SO:

#20 - She-Ra (badly animated ass-kicking hippy Barbie doll) - She-Ra - Princess of Power

She-Ra is possibly the coolest spin-off TV show in the history of spin-off TV shows. Masters of the Universe was making bazillions, but they wanted something for girls, and they gave us She-Ra, which when compared to the original series is a shining example of 1980s animated awesomeness. The animation is pretty much identical, but there is an actual origin story for the character, the bad guys are actually kind of scary (seriously, I love Skeletor as much as the next '80s kid, but for a guy with a skull for a head he was pretty high on the list of least scary bad guys (next list??) ), and the plot has a little bit more going on. Watched alone it is still a glorious 1980s mess, but it is a much better written one than Masters of the Universe. I love that it's aimed at girls. The 'love interest' character looks exactly like what you would expect a 1980s animated gay man to look like. Are little girls who grew up watching this now strangely attracted to men with mustaches and tight pants?

Anyhow, She-Ra is the twin sister of He-Man (or Adora is the twin sister of Adam if you want to get technical). The evil Hordak stole Adora from Eternia when she was a baby and took her to another dimension. She is raised by Hordak and works with his evil minions, ruling the land. The Sorceress has crazy sword dreams and give He-Man a sword, telling him to go this other dimension and return the sword to Adora. Bla, bla, bla, Adora becomes She-Ra when she raises her sword and says, "For the honour of Grayskull". I love how He-Man has the power, but because She-Ra is a woman, she's all about 'honour' for some reason. Adora leads the rebellion, a team of girly colourful characters and one campy gay man, and fights Hordak for a bunch of episodes, which sometimes include He-Man.

I like She-Ra for mostly the same reasons I like He-Man, except She-Ra is a bit less of a dick. She still says stupid things when she's punching people, and she still has retarded solutions to conflicts, but she's a much nicer character. She cares about the people who are fighting against the rebellion and she is fighting for a cause. I also think that she is smoking hot. Seriously, she looks like a Barbie doll would look if it was attractive and a little more realistic. Sure, she's still ridiculously 'fantasy art' looking, but at least she has an arse and hips and isn't an emaciated stick, like some newer 'sexy' female cartoon characters. She also has amazing huge hair.

...Well that's that then. I should say that I am a sucker for a good list, but I am also likely to completely change my mind at any point. If I were to write this list again in 6 months it may be slightly different, but right now, these 20 TV characters are my favourites. I hope you've enjoyed reading my blabby list.

I really need to watch less TV. At least a little less.

jej

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Nineteen

2010-05-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

#19 - Fran Katzenjammer (Tamsin Grieg) - Black Books

Fran is kind of similar to Seinfeld's Elaine, except she's a chain smoking alcoholic who has given up on any dream of "normality" in her life. Her best friend is Bernard, the grumpy drunk who owns "Black Books". Occasionally Fran will try and connect with other people, family or old school friends, but this always ends badly and she ends up back with Bernard and Manny, getting pissed on cheap red wine and complaining about everything.

While despising Bernard, it seems that Fran also relates to him quite a bit, hence their long friendship. Manny is the "normal" character of the show. He spouts a fair amount of crazy things, but he's generally really happy and chirpy. Fran likes Manny and supports him when Bernard is continually using and berating him, but Fran will also use Manny's eagerness in her own way.

In the first season of Black Books Fran owned a gift store that was next to Black Books, but she went out of business and is unemployed in season two. She is a strong, relatable woman who doesn't buy into "normal life" in any way. If anything, the idea of settling down with a husband and kids completely infuriates her.

All three characters in Black Books are essential to the show being so fantastic, but I find Fran to be the most relatable of the three.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Eighteen

2010-05-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

#18 - Lynda Day (Julia Sawahla) - Press Gang

I hadn't seen Press Gang for years, but due to a friend buying and lending me the first season on DVD (thanks Jon) I was reminded of how much I like this character.

Sawalha may be familiar to you as the daughter who had to be suffering from some form of child abuse in Absolutely Fabulous, but in Press Gang she is Lynda Day, editor of the Junior Gazette.

Lynda takes her job deadly seriously. I'm not even sure how she has time for school work, or a life at all, because we only see her spending every hour of the day trying to run a newspaper. She's extremely opinionated, strong, and very abrasive. Most people just write her off as a total bitch face mole (people aren't called 'moles' often enough anymore) but Lynda just uses her hard ass exterior to hide the fact that she is completely socially inept and afraid of social interaction.

The first episode of the series sees Spike, the rebellious American played by a Brit, join the paper as a way to stay in school. Spike sees something in Lynda that no one else does and spends pretty much the entire series infatuated with her. Lynda can see something in him but can't get over his jokey-ness and rebelliousness, while liking it at the same time (another pattern is evolving in these choices. Why am I attracted to stories involving rebellious or idiotic guys hooking up with strong smart women who should know better?.... ah, who cares).

Sawahla's great scratchy voice and mostly completely scruffy hair match perfectly with Lynda's character and I dig it.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Seventeen

2010-05-06T01:54:00.000-07:00

#17 - Caitlin Ryan (Stacie Mistysyn) - Degrassi Junior High, Degrassi High, Degrassi: The Next Generation

I grew up watching Caitlin grow up, from primary to high school, and then more recently as an adult in the Degrassi reboot. Caitlin is a strong woman (I'm starting to see a pattern here. All my favourite male TV characters are either really nice or really quirky and odd, and all my favourite female TV characters are strong females. I guess I think it's cool to see females on TV who seem like real people, instead of dolled up sex objects. There aren't quite so many dolled up sex TV characters anymore, but something else has taken over. For some reason I think "strong woman" in American media now means "loud mouthed woman with attitude who pouts a whole lot and is actually just a total bitch", but more on that in another post I think. For now I'll stick to talking about good old Caitlin) who speaks her mind in voice and in print. She sometimes puts her nose in where it's not wanted, but her intentions seem like they are in the right place.

As Caitlin grows up we see her struggle with her identity. She is mostly partnered with likable wise-cracking hat man Joey Jeremiah (sing it with me: "everybody wants something they'll never give up") but she has a couple of other boyfriends throughout her school years. She even thinks she might be a lesbian at one point (didn't everyone??). One of her boyfriends, Claude, is an arty pretentious wanker who leaves Caitlin to get caught by a security guard for spray painting protest material instead of helping her escape. Claude kills himself and Caitlin understandably blames herself. Caitlin catches her dad cheating on her mum, and there is more conflict there. She also suffers from epilepsy. The drama! Caitlin shoulders a lot of responsibility and guilt, while trying to grow up and graduate high school, but she takes it all in her stride like a champ.

No more spoilers, but Joey Jeremiah went from being a champ to a total jerk in the movie length Degrassi High finale, but you still feel bad for the guy because he's only like 16 or whatever.

One last thing: Caitlin is totally beautiful and when I was watching this as a kid in primary and high school I was totally crushing on her. Then I saw her in the new one, and I still am.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Sixteen

2010-05-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

#15 - Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) - Seinfeld

Elaine hangs out with a group of friends that she's just kind of stuck with. She hooked up with Jerry, but after breaking up they stay friends. Her other friends are Jerry's obsessive best mate George and his crazy neighbour Kramer. Despite sometimes despising all three of her friends, she often shares their enthusiasm for an in depth funny story about some kind of every day event, and she is very often involved in their schemes.

Elaine is seemingly an intelligent character, but like her friends she is also extremely superficial. If her current boyfriend does one little thing that annoys her, he is immediately dumped. If she meets someone who she doesn't necessarily get along with but who she is very attracted to physically there is a conflict, because looks are important to her.

Elaine is embarrassingly bad at dancing, she can't keep a secret if she gets drunk on Schnapps, and she has crazy awesome 1990s boofy hair. Her friends generally look at her as another man, or at least not in a sexual way, except for a couple of rare occasions. In one episode she plays a joke on Jerry by saying dirty sexual things into his tape recorder at a gig. When the three men find out that it's Elaine talking they start to see her as just a sexy woman instead of a friend and it's pretty hilarious. In another episode Jerry and George need Elaine's help to try and make a television producer understand why they couldn't help but look at his daughter's cleavage. Elaine wears a low cut booby top and the producer becomes so obsessed with her that he goes insane.

All the characters in the show are strangely likable and relatable, despite the fact that they are all incredibly nasty twisted people. I like Elaine the most because she is a portrayal of a strong funny woman in a kind of 'boy's club' show, and it feels natural and believable rather than forced.

Seeing Julia Louis-Dreyfus in The New Adventures of Old Christine was kind of depressing for me because Christine is nowhere near as likable or as funny as Elaine, and Louis-Dreyfus seems to have had botox or perhaps just bad makeup on Christine and she looks really strange..... but let's just ignore that and remember that she was at one time the funniest woman on television.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Fifteen

2010-05-04T19:41:00.001-07:00

#15 - Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal) - Futurama

Futurama is one of the few shows on television where nerd jokes are witty and funny, and as you can see Leela is a much loved character. I pray to god that creepy robot doesn't have working orifices....

Sorry to confuse. If you don't know what Futurama is then stop reading and watch this instead.

Turanga Leela believes she is a cyclops from a lost alien race, destined to be alone forever. Eventually she finds out that she is actually a mutant from the sewers. Her parents thought that with her normal-ish looks she could make something of herself above ground, and so they left her at an orphanarium.

She is working as a career placement officer when Fry, a frozen pizza delivery boy from the past, refuses to take his career chip. Leela chases Fry and his new robot bud Bender, bla bla and eventually the three of them work for Fry's great x30 nephew Hubert J. Farnsworth, running a delivery ship.

Leela is tough and strong, but she also wants to find true love. Awww. Fry and Leela care for one another and occasionally become romantically involved, but then Leela remembers that Fry is an idiot and all romance ends. Leela, one lonely drunken night, sleeps with Zapp Brannigan, a sad, sleazy, Shatner-esque ship captain. Brannigan spends the rest of the series trying to get back together with Leela and being physically hurt in the process. Leela's reactions to Brannigan are pretty fantastic.

....sorry, I've just been sent a link that shows Hank Azaria as Gargamel and it's highly disturbed me and distracted me from possibly writing any more about Leela. He looks just like Gargamel?!?!?! What!?!?!?

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Fourteen

2010-05-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

#14 - Claire Fisher (Lauren Ambrose) - Six Feet Under

Firstly, it's ridiculous how much I love this show. After a couple of black comedy advert gags that didn't quite work in the first episode, I think the rest is perfect television. It's funny in a strange real life dark sort of way and dramatically believable.

Claire Fisher is the youngest kid in a family that runs a funeral home. The funeral home is also the family home, so she has been surrounded by death her entire life.

Claire is extremely dry, sarcastic and biting, but she also totally cares about her family and is the first person to try and help when something crazy is going on. She is an artist who constantly questions reality and the point of life. She has a few sexual relationships throughout the series, many of them ending horribly and leaving Claire heartbroken and mistreated, but most of those relationships resurface at least once more after they have ended because Claire sees some importance in the connections between people.

Claire's final relationship is with Ted, a guy she meets at a law firm where she eventually works. Ted is a Republican who listens to pop music and the two of them have differing views on many things, but their care for each other is mutual and they end up getting married.

Claire lives to be 101. I hope I last that long.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Thirteen

2010-05-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

#13 - Vanessa Abrams (Jessica Szohr) - Gossip Girl

Okay, if my love for science fiction television characters made you think less of me, get ready for your expectations to be lowered a whole lot more.

I guess I should explain why I totally dig Gossip Girl. I've kind of always had a thing for dumb shows about teenagers. Josh Schwartz, the man behind The O.C. is responsible for bringing this trashy novel series to the screen. I haven't yet read any of the novels, but I'm hooked on the show. The premise, when it started at least, was that we followed the Humphreys as they moved into the big city where the rich and famous people all hang out or whatever. Dan Humphrey was the normal straight guy who was an aspiring author, clashing with the culture of the rich. The show kind of spiraled from there into something that makes fun of itself a lot, and has this strange self-aware trashiness to it, with stupid plotting always going on, backstabbing, and drugs and sex. Awesome.

Now, to Vanessa Abrams. Vanessa is Dan's long time friend. They watch cult films together, borrow each others cool novels, and always go and see Morrissey together when he is in town. Vanessa is a film maker who clashes with the elite rich culture even more so than Dan. She's been occasionally fooled into thinking that some rich folk have a little more going on (when she almost hooked up with Chuck Bass I was all "noooo" and loving it), but mostly she is a normal(ish) level headed person. She's also kind of up for anything (see Dan, Vanessa, and Hillary Duff having a threesome) but in the context of this stupidly crazy show it's a likable trait (not that it isn't anyway, but amongst this group of people she is the most regular type person).

Vanessa is also totally stylish. Some of the outfits that the cast on Gossip Girl wear make my eyes water. They are either not very flattering or just insanely odd looking, but I totally dig what the wardrobe department does with Vanessa.

This spot was almost taken by Silver from the brand new lows of 90210, but in the latest season she stays friends with people who are the absolute scum of the Earth, and she has the dumbest, ugliest, most boring boyfriend in the universe. Thankfully she hasn't sunk to the lows that the other characters have just yet, but give it time. Watching the new 90210 is like watching some kind of anti-moral show. I LOVE when people cheat on each other and kill people and bla, bla on shows like Melrose Place, because generally I can see why it is happening and the characters actions generally have consequences. In 90210 we have a teenage girl who drunkenly drove into a man and killed him, but drove away (still not yet caught for that one), we have a girl who sent a text photo of her supposed friend having sex to every phone in the school, and that same girl also lied about a teacher sexually harassing her in order to get her friends onside. She FINALLY confessed that it was a lie at the absolute last second, and her punishment was picking up rubbish in an orange vest....... Also, her friends are all "you suck" so she gets up in the cafeteria and says "I perverted justice. I'm the pervert" in front of about 20 people, and she's told how "brave" she is. It's an insanely bad show, and that is why I couldn't bring myself to choose a character from it.

ANYWAY, that's enough of that. 7 more characters to go...

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Twelve

2010-05-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

#12 - Samantha Carter (Amanda Tapping) - Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis

Yep, another ridiculously nerdy choice. I dig Samantha for pretty much the same reasons I dig Scully; she is a totally drop dead hot babe but in a normal-ish way, and she's also totally smart and professional, and she also cares about her friends a whole lot. What's not to like?

Some great Carter moments include her introduction, in which she is mocked by good old Jack O'Neill for being a woman, and then totally shows him up by being really smart and awesome at her job. She also makes a MacGuyver joke in the same episode. HAH!

Sam and Jack grow to totally love each other but also not do anything about it because of their work situation. One incredibly soap-opera awesome moment was when Jack (I think it was Jack. It's been a while since I saw this one) keeps failing the "truth" machine when he re-tells the story of the teams escape from some ship. He fails the lie detector because he isn't admitting to himself that he couldn't leave Carter there alone, trapped, because he was totally in love with her. Awwww.

Like all good female science fiction leads, Carter sticks around while the other stars piss off, and proves that she can totally hold a show together (Scully proved her worth by shining her brightest (....."shining her brightest"??? Do I really want to post that? Maybe if I post it with this it won't feel so bad) when Mulder wasn't around). Carter melds in well with the new cast and kept me watching, even while the team was searching for swords in caves and morphing into Farscape. Urgh! (I almost included a Farscape character on the list, but I haven't finished watching it yet so it didn't feel right, because, you know, this is so important and all).

We get to see Carter promoted throughout the series, and because I'm all totally into the characters, it's really great to see her get pay rises and more badges on her chest. I guess this is a little bit like what parents feel like when their kids do well or something?? That's pretty fucking pathetic..... Anyway, Carter becomes the leader of the Atlantis base when the awful, awful Elizabeth Wier (Torri Higginson) is unable to do so (Remember when we first saw Elizabeth Wier on Stargate SG1, the "Lost City" episodes?? She was played by Jessica Steen and was totally likable. I was more than ready to get behind her and be all "Yeah, you go missy" but then we started to watch Atlantis and she was played by a strange looking woman named Torri, whose boyfriend was played by the same guy (I'm pretty sure) who played Carter's alien boyfriend with the silver suit and Schroedinger the cat (ugh) on SG1. God! Torri tries her hardest to be Sigourney Weaver but she just isn't, and she also makes really awful decisions as a leader that put her crew in constant danger. It's nice how much the team all love and respect her, but she is horrible and when Sam took over I was pretty ecstatic. Also, Jewel Staite joined the show as the new doctor at the same time which made me extra happy, and I'VE MET HER IN REAL LIFE! YEAH!).

....what was I saying? Yeah, Carter becomes the leader of Atlantis and does a great job (so far anyway. I'm half way through season 4).

More to come...

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Eleven

2010-05-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote some directions on the back of my character list and left it in the car for a bit, but this morning I remembered to take it out, and thus the nerdy list continues....

#11 - Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) - The X-Files

Dana Scully gets assigned by the FBI to work with Fox Mulder and keep tabs on him. She feels conflicted about the whole thing but very quickly sees that Mulder is a champ who does his job really well and becomes his biggest supporter.

Scully is all about conflict. She believes in the quantifiable and the scientific and believes that even strange cases can be explained with the right facts, but some of her experiences working with Mulder force her to accept that not everything can be explained. She has a religious background, which is yet another conflict. How can someone believe in science while also believing in faith and the church? Some of my favourite episodes are all about this conflict. Scully also struggles to balance her personal life with her work. She wants to have a husband and kids, while also realising that her work is extremely important and this may never happen.

Scully and Mulder grow closer and closer throughout the series. Their close friendship becomes more than that, but that's not important. Some of the greatest fanglee moments are when Scully and Mulder hug each other or touch each others hands after a crazy death-defying episode. I totally buy their intimacy.

Lastly, and most importantly, Scully is the sexiest woman on television (I think so anyway) and also a totally strong female character. She always wears professional clothes; whether they be huge shoulder padded jackets or sleeker skirts and shirts, Scully looks and acts like a professional. A lot of science fiction shows sex up their female stars at least once (see the most horrible and painful episode of Stargate SG1 - 104 "Emancipation, or rather, don't) but as far as I can recall, Scully is never sexed up (unless you count that creepy computer game version of her, but I choose to forget that because it was just some picture and not Gillian Anderson in some cleavage top).

Anyway, fan rant over. I'll post again about more of my favourite female telly characters soon.

Moofies - Cop Out (2010)

2010-04-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've seen and at least partly enjoyed every Kevin Smith film that's been released so far. I enjoy how he has semi-likable characters go on nerdy rants about comic book and Star Wars. He doesn't really show any directorial visual flare, but I enjoy his dialogue (to a certain extent). This is Kevin Smith's first foray into directing something that he didn't write. The trailer promises a painfully unfunny piece of crap, so that is what I expect.

REALITY: Cop Out is a painfully unfunny piece of crap. HAH!

No, I didn't hate it all that much. For the most part Cop Out is a boring, average buddy cop movie starring Bruce Willis and some loud black guy with a woman's name. I can sit through boring, average buddy cop movies easily so I enjoyed this a little, but the humour is pretty painful.

There are only so many jokes I can sit through without even cracking a smirk before I start to feel uncomfortable. I honestly didn't laugh at anything in this film, yet I felt like I was being urged to laugh at almost everything. I would have much preferred if Smith directed this film with zero jokes. It looks okay, the action scenes aren't all that bad, and it very occasionally becomes watchably average. It just fails when it gets so strangely unfunny.

I look forward to when Smith decides to make more movies about people in dead end jobs talking about Transformers or making pornography.

*1/2

Moofies - Ritual (2001)

2010-04-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: The DVD case foe Ritual seems like it's trying it's hardest to look boring. This a Tales from the Crypt remake of I Walked With A Zombie, but the Crypt Keeper is only a tiny picture on the cover of the DVD, and they called the film 'Ritual'. I have a bad feeling that this will be completely dull, instead of the super campy horror fun that it could be.

REALITY: Totally dull. There are a heap of "stars" in this film which almost fooled me into thinking it might be fun. Tim Curry plays a seedy pervy vet, Craig "Uncle Kieth" Sheffer plays a rich white man, and Erick "Kasuf" Avari plays a doctor who in an early scene dies a super gory death in an early scene. The entire gore quota must have been spent in this one scene because the rest of the film drags along with very little happening whatsoever, other than the camera ogling at the super tight nipple top of Jennifer Grey.

This feels like a dull episode of the Crypt Keeper television series that's been dragged out to movie length because it was shot in Jamaica. It's not bad. It's just boring.

Moofies - Chloe (2009)

2010-04-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: This is an American remake of a French film that I saw but barely remember. It stars Liam Neeson (snore), playing the role that Gerard Depardieu played in the original, and I guess they have similarities. I really like Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried can predict the weather by touching her breasts, so I'm up for it.

REALITY: Moore feels unloved and suspects her husband is cheating on her. Instead of confronting him directly she hires a sexy prostitute (Seyfried) to test Neeson's loyalty. Moore and Seyfried (or their characters rather, but what's the difference. Really) become close and Moore feels close to her husband sexually through hearing about his sexual exploits through Seyfried.

It didn't take me long to remember the original film, and it's kind of a silly premise. It's pretty damn sexy, which is important, but I think it strays too far into silly, almost horror genre stuff while pretending that it's all about emotional connections and love. The performances are all pretty decent; Julianne Moore does more than just run and cry which is great, and Seyfried plays that scary mix between innocent, sexy, and a little crazy pretty well. I just think this film would be much more interesting if the "crazy" element was taken out completely. The themes that the film seems to be trying to explore would come across much stronger if they weren't muddied by all the "crazy".

It wasn't bad.

***

Moofies - Edge of Darkness

2010-04-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I loathe Mel Gibson. I enjoyed the Mad Max films, the Lethal Weapon movies were pretty dull, but after sitting through The Passion of the Christ I vowed that I hated Gibson for the rest of my natural born life. He went to the trouble of making a film in an ancient language, but unfortunately it was still just a feature length gross out fest designed to make me feel guilty or something. I detested it. I didn't stop there either! I tried Apocalypto because it seemed like it might be something interesting, but Gibson forces these tired plot devices and humour into his films and I just couldn't do it. Then he grew a huge beard and went crazy or something.

So why did I decide to sit through Edge of Darkness? Well, it's co-written by Andrew Bovell. I think Bovell is one of the best screenwriters in the universe. He's responsible for Head On and Lantana, which I completely loved, so I thought I would give this a go, despite my seething Mel Gibson hatred. I'm honestly not sure what to expect.

REALITY: I still hate Mel Gibson; possibly more so after sitting through Edge of Darkness. The film begins with Gibson meeting his daughter at a train station or something. She starts to throw up and get the shakes. Gibby grabs his coat and they both walk out of the front door, headed for the doctors, when all of a sudden BAM!; his daughter receives a shotgun wound to the chest and dies. The killer drives off, leaving detective Gibson to solve the case.

Gibson spends the entire film with a stoic, blank face. Was he always like this in movies??? He may be trying to be all "upset father" but he acts exactly the same as he did before his daughter died so I couldn't tell. The storyline is just ludicrous. His daughter works for some secret science organisation or some crap and her sickness and death are linked to her top secret work. Detective Gibson must make his way through the ranks until he finds the real reason for the loss of his girl. This could have been at least hammy fun, but it's so incredibly dull. I seriously had to start playing Super Princess Peach on my DS about half way through in order to not die of overexposure to uninteresting talking heads, and I can honestly sit through almost anything without video game assistance.

Gibson isn't the only "star" in this film either. Ray Winstone plays Ray Winstone, but it's like he's been told by the director to tone it down to minus 500; I almost didn't recognise him because he didn't scream spit into anyone's face while turning red. Even Danny "I'm putting together a special team" Huston could have had fun with his super bad business man character, but he totally phones it in. Perhaps it's not even a phone in job, but a poorly directed film. All the acting is so subdued, but the storyline beneath it is not serious or interesting, so the whole thing just ends up being painfully dull.

So why is Andrew Bovell involved? I have to rectify this in my head somehow. When Tim Burton made me sit through an unforgivably boring remake of Planet of the Apes I was done with him, but Bovell is so ridiculously talented. I have to make up a story to be okay with him, so here goes.

BBC have a series called Edge of Darkness that they want to make into a film for an American audience because American's can't watch "foreign films" for some reason, according to producers anyway. They slap something together but it lacks any real emotion. Midway through a depressing viewing of the film, a discussion begins...

Producer 1: "This is just a bunch of talking heads".

Producer 2: "zzzzzzzzzzz..snork...wha? Sorry. I just dozed off for a minute there. What were you saying?"

Producer 1: "This film. It's just a bunch of talking heads. I'm really, incredibly bored".

Producer 2: (pauses in thought, then DING!) "HEY! You know I saw a great Australian film that was just talking heads. Lan-something. It was totally arty believable stuff. Great film".

Producer 1: "Get Andrew Bovell on the phone".

Bovell receives an already completed script and a rough cut of the film in the mail. He scratches his head, looks at the paycheck, and decides to give it a bash. He adds in some early dialogue to try and establish the fact that Gibson and his daughter actually have a really close relationship. It's extremely well written and would have salvaged the film a little, but Gibson is too busy smoking crack to return to London and film the scenes so the producers just tack on some home video footage of Gibson and his daughter, slap Bovell's name on the film, and release a piece of utter garbage.

Andrew Bovell, we are square. Don't do this to me ever again.

1/2 a star.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Ten

2010-04-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

#10 - Howard TJ Moon (Julian Barratt) - The Mighty Boosh

Howard Moon is the straight man in the comedy duo that is Howard and Vince, but Moon is the coolest, oddest straight man ever. Vince is a glammy, girly-man rock god hipster guy, while Howard is a shirt and pants man with a mustache who is obsessed with jazz fusion.

When Moon talks to members of the opposite sex it is extremely awkward and painful. He's so wrapped up in his own world that he thinks talking about jazz is a sure fire hit with the ladies. He gets angry and frustrated and scared very easily, especially when taken out of his very specific comfort zone. One of my favourite Moon moments is when Howard creates a small town out of stationary. If anything is picked up it must be put back in its designated place. Another favourite moment, when Moon catches Old Gregg. Old Gregg almost made my list (I think "The Legend of Old Gregg" is a fantastic introduction to Boosh if you've never seen it) but there's only one thing funnier than the insanity of Old Gregg, and that's Howard's reactions to it.

Throughout the three series of Boosh Howard and Vince have been zoo keepers, played in a band and lived together, and run an antique store. These seemingly simple scenarios lead the duo into some pretty surreal circumstances, but Howard is still Howard throughout. Jazz is still the most important thing in the universe, Howard still sees himself as dashing, mysterious, and intelligent, and Vince and Howard are still really good friends.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Nine

2010-04-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

#9 - Fox William Mulder (David Duchovny) - The X-Files

When X-Files first aired I was in high school and totally loving it. It was the first 'conspiracy' type television shows that I'd seen and I got pretty caught up in the whole 'OH MY GOD! ALL THE LIES!' excitement. I was also totally in love with Scully, but more on that later.

As I got older, so did the show, and along with it the stupidity and one-notedness of Mulder's character. I just thought Duchovny was a bit of a dick, especially when placed next to the awesome performance of Gillan Anderson, but all that changed. I began watching the series again on DVD a few years ago and Mulder was entertainment plus. He won my heart all over again.

Mulder is like a predictable puppy dog or something; old reliable will always spout ridiculous theories about cases, even in the face of obvious scorn and ridicule, he will always bring up the fact that his sister was abducted, he will constantly link every single event to a government lie or to aliens or some kind of ancient mythical belief, and he is guaranteed to get angry at an authority figure on a pretty regular basis.

Mulder sleeps on his couch most of the time, amongst piles of dirty clothes, pornography, and half empty packets of sunflower seeds. He sees himself as God's gift to women and is always turning on the charm, even when it is unwanted.

My favourite thing about Mulder is his relationship with Scully, of course. Mulder cares about Scully and will scour the Earth to find her and try and save her, but I also love how selfish Mulder is at the same time. Sure, he cares about Scully a whole lot, but he will often call her in the middle of the night and say, "I need you to get on a flight to the middle of nowhere and do an autopsy". Other fun recurring selfish moments include Mulder telling Scully what to do and then taking off in a hurry. Scully asks, "Wait! Where are you going?" to which she gets zero reply. Mulder is all obsessed and gung-ho, so much so that he is consumed. Also, he's a bit of an asshole, which just makes him more fun to watch.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Eight

2010-04-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

#8 - Larry David (Larry David) - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry David is the co-creator of Seinfeld, and in Curb Your Enthusiasm David plays a more abrasive version of himself. The dialog is ad-libbed, and I think it's probably the only ad-libbed thing I've ever seen that doesn't feel completely awkward (unless it's being awkward on purpose).

The character version of Larry David is living in a nice big house with his wife, still enjoying the success of the Seinfeld show. He's rarely working on any other projects, so he spends his time bitching and exploring the minute details of everyday situations.

Larry David says the things I wish I had the balls to say. If he sees something dodgy going on in a social situation he points it out and argues against it, despite how it makes other people feel. One of my favourite moments was when David is about to meet Ben Stiller. Stiller has a cold and sneezes into his hand. David sees this, so when Ben offers his hand out for a handshake Larry refuses to shake it and his face shows disgust. Stiller is offended, and a bunch of hilarious events spiral from there.

Another great moment is when Larry hooks up with a younger woman, Loretta. Things aren't really working out and Larry feels like they should break up, but Loretta gets sick. It's possibly cancer, so Larry struggles over what to do, and if he can really break up with someone who has just found out they have cancer without seeming like the hugest jerk ever. It's pretty grim stuff, but hearing Larry talk about it candidly and honestly is hilarious and refreshing.

It's great to see a character who says 'no' to assumed social norms and questions everything. It makes him unpopular with his friends, but he doesn't care. What a champ.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Seven

2010-04-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

#7 - Shaggy Rogers - animated pothead detective wimp - Scooby-Doo

Shaggy is the coolest guy to appear on a kids' show. His best friends are a talking dog, a buff stud in a neckerchief, a stylish sexy babe, and a brainy lesbian. Shaggy and Scooby constantly have the munchies, and despite being completely paranoid stoners, they overcome their fears in order to get food, or "scooby snacks".

Even if you don't read all the overt drug references into Scooby-Doo, Shaggy is still the greatest. He's either completely relaxed and chilled out, or running for his life from a guy in a rubber monster suit. He's also the only human character to feature in every single incarnation of Scooby-Doo. Occasionally the other buddies were dropped and replaced by annoying characters like Scrappy-Doo or Vincent Price, but Shaggy is vital to the Scooby-Doo show. There's only one thing cooler than a talking dog, and that's his stoner life long non-sexual partner.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Six

2010-04-22T07:05:00.001-07:00

#6 - Data (Brent Spiner) - Star Trek: The Next Generation.

There had to be a Trek character in here, and as much as I prefer the original Shatner series to the newer stuff, I think that the original show is much more of an ensemble of characters. Kirk is great, but he needs Spock to be his super logical counterpoint, and Spock needs Bones to be constantly pissed at him. I think Data stands up as a strong character completely on his own. As this is a Star Trek character we're talking about, I'm sure there are many readers scoffing and shaking their heads. Well, this is a list of MY favourite characters, based on the criteria that I like them or enjoy them, and that is all, so get over it.

Data is an android who desperately wants to be human. He studied at the Starfleet Academy, just like his human colleagues, and graduated to become an officer. He is always inquiring about what it means to be human; trying to understand jokes, tears, love.

He does have his low points (the all too frequent Sherlock Holmes episodes, which I kind of love as well as hate) but for the most part Data is a really strong character who develops throughout the series and into the film series, always learning more about what it means to be human and becoming more human himself.

Brent Spiner is pretty amazing. Imagine getting your skin painted like that on a VERY regular basis for a VERY long time, while also sticking to that android performance. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a convincing robot because he's huge, but I think Spiner is the king of making me believe that he is not human, and he does it all without just looking stupid. Data is one of the strong points of Next Generation and one of my favourite characters of all time.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Five

2010-04-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

#5 - Homer Simpson - an animated alcoholic - The Simpsons

When The Simpsons first began Homer was a loud, angry, drunk man who loved his family. He had some likable moments in the first season, but it wasn't until later that Homer Simpson would become the character that we know and love.

He's completely moronic and ignorant, but he's so childlike that his ignorance is forgivable and hilarious. He loves his family, beer, donuts/food, and television. No wonder he's become such a cultural icon. People who don't watch The Simpsons can recognise who Homer is because his face is plastered everywhere. I'm even wearing Duff Beer slippers as I write this, with Homer Simpson's face on them.

When the show began I was young, so I was all "yeah, Bart Simpson is cooool", but it didn't take me long to figure out that Homer Simpson was the reason this show would still be around 21 years later. When the writers get it right Homer is laugh out loud hilarious, but even when the writing is not so strong the character of Homer is pretty much concrete and unchangeable.

This choice was almost Bender or Fry, because as a whole show I much prefer Futurama to The Simpsons, but I just think Homer is awesome. A bald, fat, alcoholic man is a hero to many and it's freaking weird and amazing.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Four

2010-04-22T06:25:00.001-07:00

#4 - He-Man/Prince Adam - a badly animated hazelnut filled condom - Masters of the Universe.

Some of my favourite shows of all time were created to sell a toy line, and Masters of the Universe is probably the ultimate toy selling piece of crap show ever made. Every episode uses at least one piece of animation from a previous episode. Some episodes are made up of 95% animation sequences from previous episodes. It's incredibly bad, but that's all part of the joy of watching it.

According to the introduction to Masters of the Universe (because there was never an episode with a true origin story in the original series) Prince Adam one day held aloft his magic sword and said the words "By the power of Grayskull!" and BOOM!; instantly tanned skin, woolly underwear, a chest plate, and a ton of reverb on his voice. It doesn't stop there though. Adam has a pet, a green tiger called Cringer. Cringer whimpers and hides as Adam changes into He-Man, but He-Man is not sensitive to an animals' needs. He grabs the sharp end of the sword with his left hand (pictured), yells "I have the power", points the sword at Cringer, and a bolt of lightning comes from the sword and turns Cringer into a mutated green tiger with large fangs, a deep voice, with a rocking saddle and head gear.

I enjoy He-Man for his stupidity and reliability. Prince Adam is a buff guy; he looks identical to He-Man except for the skin tone, voice, and clothing. Many, many times I have watched Adam see a situation in which he is perfectly able to help, but instead of saving time and doing a job as himself, he takes the time to change into He-Man first in order to do the most mundane things.

He-Man also likes smashing things/Filmation likes to continually reuse the animation sequence in which He-Man smashes things. There should be a drinking game in which every time He-Man smashes something with his fist you take a drink. I think everyone would be lying in their own filth half way through the second episode.

I also love it when He-Man does his condescending head titled back laugh, which he does nearly every episode. He's such an arrogant ass, and I have no idea why my parents thought he would make a good role model for me at a young age. I was in the Masters of the Universe official fan club and everything. Monthly "newsletters" which consisted of a two page story and a bunch of toy ads were gobbled up by me as a kid. Hell, I'd probably gobble them up if they were sent to me right now at age 30.

The whole show feels like a retarded fantasy art fest, and I still love it, but He-Man is the testosterone filled jerk that holds the show together for me.

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Three

2010-04-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

#3 - Tim Canterbury (Martin Freeman) - The Office

First of all, I'm talking about the original British series. i don't care if Steve Carrell is in it; I watched the American version for 5 minutes and died a little inside. I can't do it.

Tim is a guy who is kind of stuck in a boring job and still lives with his parents in the bedroom he grew up in. He attempts to get out and go back to university, make something better of his life, but he is dragged back in by more money. He has a really strong connection with the receptionist at his work, but she has a boyfriend. He doesn't really have any mates but he can see the good in people. It sounds like I'm describing the saddest loser in the universe, but Tim has so much charm and wit that he steals the show for me. Sure, David Brent gets all the big laughs, but the character I really like and the guy that I was rooting for (and so were you most likely) was Tim.

There are so many great moments that show Tim as a solid guy. After he's been fired, Brent is trying to get people to come to the pub with him and he's met with deadly silence. This nasty woman who has taken Garreth's old job says some cutting remark, to which Tim immediately responds "Yeah, I'll come to the pub with you". What a champ. He sees the good in someone who is very unlikable, and he sees the disgusting nastiness in someone where it is not necessarily so obvious or accepted.

Tim is also extremely perceptive. Just thinking about the gift he gives Dawn for the Secret Santa present in the last episode gets me a little teary like a stupid crybaby. He can see who people really are and the potential in them, but he's also really sarcastic and dry. He's just a champion.

More soon....

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part Two

2010-04-22T02:05:00.001-07:00

#2 - Gordon Shumway/ALF - a puppet thing, midget/child-in-suit/alien - ALF

ALF was one of those strange shows from the 1980s where there is a puppet that is practically spouting adult-ish humour on a show that is aimed at children/families (anyone remember Agro?).

Gordon Shumway is an alien from the planet Melmac. His planet has exploded (ala Krypton) and his spaceship crash lands into the Tanner household on Earth. They give him the name ALF, Alien Life Form. I was never sure why they just didn't call him Gordon.

The Tanners are all left wing pinkos and decide that they should keep Gordon a secret and let an alien live with them, because if the government found out about an alien they would cut him open and do horrible things to him. I love how lefty most 1980s sitcoms I grew up watching were. All the episodes of TV shows where I was introduced to gay neighbours and alcoholic uncles were an education of sorts that encouraged difference, tolerance, and bla, bla, bla. I miss 1980s television, but thanks to digital TV feeling the need to fill airtime, shows like ALF are on again for the youngens to experience.

ALF loves watching TV, eating lots of junk food, and being a total loud mouth jerk, but all in a totally lovable way. 90% of what comes out of his mouth makes me laugh. It may just be the delivery, but ALF is a funny guy. He is the definition of a "party animal". If this show was made for an older audience I'm pretty sure he would be an alcoholic.

Willy, the uptight square-ish Father of the family, constantly clashes with ALF. ALF's anti-social behavior, his messy eating habits, his crazy hairbrained schemes, and the fact that he wants to eat the cat, all combine to make Willy mad. In reality I think Willy would either kill ALF or become mentally unstable. What happens in the show though is that ALF makes Willy feel better by apologising or making it up to him in some stupidly cute and regularly unsuccessful way. ALF is like a kid in a tiny hairy man's body. He feels guilty all the time for being a pain, and then tries to fix things, but inevitably makes situations worse. Willy and ALF are great mates, so all is always forgiven. They're the perfect team: loud mouthed party guy and a pushover nice guy. It's a bit like Laurel and Hardy, or R2D2 and C3PO.

The rest of the family all have their little moments and connections with ALF also. I remember as a kid being so jealous of the little snot playing Brian Tanner because I wanted to hang out with ALF, and I wouldn't be a whiny little shit about it either.

Also, how cool is a party animal that you can hug like an ugly teddy bear?? It's the perfect combination.

More soon...

My Favourite Television Characters Of All Time - Part One

2010-04-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mister Dave Micenko, who I am totally ripping this idea from.

I have, in no particular order, chosen my top ten male and top ten female characters from television series. I have not included characters that started out in comic books, because then this list would predominantly be characters from Batman and be a little boring really.

I've divided this list into a few separate posts in order to try and not scare you away with one huge chunk of telly rant text. Also, I have some housework to do which will not get done if I sit and write this whole list at once. Also, semi-spoilers, but not too many I think.

SO, without further ado, let's get on with...

MY TOP TEN MALE TELEVISION CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME!!!

1 - Daniel Jackson (Micheal Shanks) - Stargate SG1

James Spader first played Daniel Jackson back when he still had a neck in the 1994 film Stargate. Micheal Shanks took on the role for the television series spin-off Stargate SG1, trying his hardest to impersonate Spader, complete with constant sneezing and amazing shoulder length long hair.

Jackson is the only person with the brains to unlock the secrets of the Stargate. He firstly figures out what it is, and then how it can be used. The Stargate opens wormholes all over the universe, and a bunch of wacky adventures and two spin-off series happen (three if you count the animated one).

What makes Daniel Jackson a great character, other than his good looks and his unintentionally hilarious mannerisms, is the way he treats people. He's an archeologist with mega brains who clashes ideologically with the military organisation that he is working within. Jack O'Neill is the military leader of SG1, the team that Jackson is a part of. Jack and Daniel don't get along at all at first, but after saving each others lives many times we see a strong bond grow between the characters. Despite their ideological differences they have huge respect and love for one another.

Jackson also represents a realistic and balanced way of approaching new cultures and civilizations, at least when compared to other science fiction television journeymen. He's very respectful of difference and sees value in studying other cultures, but he also backs up his team mates and, for the most part, follows the commands of Jack O'Neill. There are many occasions where he sees something in a culture that he sees as morally wrong. Jack will be all "Aragjhgdkd this is awful. They suck", but Daniel will be all, "If we approach the problem in this specific kind of way then maybe we can make a change for the better that will be beneficial to all parties involved". He's an idealist and a total knowledge bank, which is a sweet combination.

Daniel has a bit in common with ST:TNG's Data, in that he spouts unwanted information at every given opportunity. It gets a bit tiresome, but it's also one of the stupid things that I love about him.

Daniel Jackson reaches a higher plane of existence in season 5 called 'ascension'. In season 6 Daniel tries to break the rules of ascension and help his fellow team mates. It's this kind of awesome middle ground that I totally dig about him. He wants to do what is right by everyone.

That's it for now. More to come...

Moofies - The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

2010-04-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've been shown a scene where Ted Raimi gets his head smashed in with a hammer and a slow-mo shot shows his eye falling from his head and blood splattering everywhere. I've also been told that I will enjoy this by a friend who knows that I will enjoy this, so I expect I will enjoy this.

REALITY: How did this film get made? That's what I kept thinking throughout this entire film. I enjoyed it, but the storyline and the script felt like something that I would see in one of those rare b-grade films that manages to be interesting and a little scary but star no one you've ever seen before, or perhaps someone from a TV show that's been cancelled for five years. This is an odd film.

Bradley Cooper plays Leon, a photographer who is trying to capture the heart of New York on film. Brooke Shields, an art dealer, pushes Leon to try and capture something more dangerous, more 'real'. Leon thinks he has found a mass murderer, Vinnie Jones, and begins to follow him. A very strange story unravels.

It's great to see Bradley Cooper in something where he isn't the funny guy or the romantic interest; he's pretty good. It's just strange to see name actors in a film that combines fairly believable dramatic scenes with totally gory slow-mo shots. The film's finale is bizarre, but it sort of makes sense in the context of the film; I wasn't completely and utterly surprised because the clues sort of led to the end in a way. There were a few moments where I found myself a little scared and "oh my God! What's going to happen?" which is always a nice surprise. There are also some other moments where plot points are left dangling, but on the whole this was pretty enjoyable. I still have no idea why it exists, but I'm not complaining.

***

Moofies - My Name Is Bruce (2007)

2010-04-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I honestly expect this will be nerdy beyond belief and full of awful eye-rolling moments, but I still love Bruce Campbell for no logical reason so I will no doubt enjoy his presence in this film.

REALITY: If you haven't seen a Bruce Campbell film before, don't start with this one.

Campbell is the star of many great films, most notably the Evil Dead series. You may also recognise him from Burn Notice or as that funny usher guy in the Spider-man movies. My Name Is Bruce sees Campbell making fun of his career in a big way, which is pretty enjoyable. What isn't enjoyable is the ludicrous premise of this film; even in a comedic sense this is just completely retarded.

Some kid, a huge Bruce fan, pulls some talisman looking piece of crap from a wooden plank in a graveyard and BOOM!, a cheap looking evil spirit is released and starts killing people.... okay, I'm with you so far. Then, this kid kidnaps Bruce and drives him back to his small home town so Bruce can save the day and defeat the evil spirit. We're talking about a teenage kid who loves Bruce films, collects memorabilia, including scripts. WHY WOULD HE THINK BRUCE COULD SAVE THE DAY??? HE'S AN ACTOR!!! It's so stupid, and it just gets stupider. Bruce thinks the whole thing is some setup prank for his birthday so he plays along. He also has a thing for the Bruce fan's mother (pictured) who is NOWHERE NEAR OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A TEENAGE SON!!!

You may say "Ben. This is a film called My Name is Bruce. Aren't you taking it all a little too seriously?". I don't think I am. If it was a straight forward crappy movie that would be fine, but this is one of those annoying crappy movies that knows it's crappy and thinks it's all a big joke. Those are the least funny crappy movies of all. Great B-grade films are great because you can tell the film makers are really into it and think that they are making cinema gold (i.e. The Room or anything directed by Edward D. Wood Jnr.). If you're making self-aware b-grade films then they need to be better than this.

The worst, most unforgivable aspect of My Name is Bruce is how ridiculously racist it is. Ted Raimi plays a few roles, one of them being an old Asian stereotype, complete with long beard, squinty eyes, and "jokes" about the way he speaks. Seriously, you know those "mee so solly" jokes? They are in here aplenty. Some whiter than white country singers tell the tale of the Chinese demon throughout the film also, just adding to the ridiculous racist nature of the film.

Bruce Campbell fans totally have to see this, because Bruce has some great moments and watching him make fun of himself was pretty great, but for everyone else, this is really painful.

Moofies - Green Zone (2010)

2010-04-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: This looks to be a lefty take on the whole 'the Iraq war is a false war' idea that more than a few films have portrayed recently, but this looks like it does it with Matt Damon in some sweet action movie-esque scenes.

REALITY: Before discussing the themes and political ideas of the film I should first address the film itself, as a piece of entertainment. Green Zone had my complete attention from start to finish. I didn't completely see any major plot points coming, the action scenes were intense, and Matt Damon plays a totally convincing hero that you want to stand behind.

Damon plays Miller, a soldier in Iraq searching sites for weapons of mass destruction. Miller and his team continually find nothing so Miller begins to question where the intelligence is coming from, and thus begins his quest. All authority figures motives and actions are questioned and Miller has to make some tough decisions, but his motives are always on the side of what is 'right' and towards ends which he feels will cause less casualties. As the film progresses, these admirable and heroic motives are problematised. I think the "moral" or theme of the film is summed up best by Freddy, an Iraqi character: "It is not for you to decide what happens here".

The politics of the film are fairly obvious from the outset. The American government is not shown in a very flattering light, while soldiers such as Miller are shown to be good hearted people who are trying to do what is right and help people. The screenplay is based on the novel Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq's Green Zone by Rajiv Chandrasekaran, an Indian-American journalist. I'm unsure of how much the screenplay strays from the facts of the novel, but I think the knowledge that there were no WMDs in Iraq is fairly commonplace now. What may not be commonplace is the reasons why soldiers were sent to search for WMDs in the first place. Director Paul Greengrass places the viewer pretty firmly behind Miller as he uncovers the truth behind what is happening, and showing us these "truths" through the eyes of a heroic soldier is extremely effective. I think it's also a pretty ballsy move, considering there are still foreign soldiers in Iraq as this film is released.

Even if you find the politics of the film too straight forward or too boring or you disagree with them completely, I think that Green Zone is a solid spy/action/war/whatever you want to call it film and a totally enjoyable gripping watch.

****1/2

Moofies - Beautiful Kate (2009)

2010-04-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I've heard nothing but great things about this film, and the cast is extremely strong, so I expect to be totally gushing about this film once it's over.

REALITY: This is ridiculously solid. Beautiful Kate tackles a storyline that I haven't really seen before in cinema, and certainly not portrayed in this manner. Without giving too much away, the subject is very much a taboo one, but I think it is represented in a realistic and caring manner. I didn't hate any of these characters for their actions, because they were all extremely well fleshed out, realistic characters that I was able to relate to and in some ways empathise with.

Rachel Ward directed this and wrote the screen play, based on the novel by Newton Thornburg that is going straight onto my "must check this book out" list. Ward shows restraint and smart choices throughout the film. It would be easy to make a film like this have big shock value, or for it to be extremely eroticised in some way, but I think Ward has treated the subject as just a part of a strong storyline with strong characters.

The performances are all amazing. Ben Mendelsohn is playing an older man now that he is one, and he's good at it; Rachel Griffiths is always easy to watch; Bryan Brown totally inhabits whatever character he is playing; and this is the second film I've seen Sophie Lowe in. I think Lowe will be around for a long time. All of the performances feel very natural and real.

The way the film uses flashback also feels very natural. The flashbacks are a vital part of the story and the points in which the story moves from the present to the past and back again all make sense and I think it much have been tough to pull this off without causing the viewer to feel jarred in any way.

I will gush no more. Just watch this film. It's fantastic.

*****

Moofies - Paris 36

2010-04-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

EXPECTATIONS: I honestly don't think I'll enjoy this film all that much, but we are going to Paris soon and I want to get a few French films in before we leave. I'm excited about going, and I think seeing beautiful depictions of the place is going to fuel that excitement.

REALITY: This film is a mess. There are so many plots and tones going on that I was left feeling empty and 'meh' about the whole thing.

The storyline begins with a Bob Hoskins lookalike sulking to a police officer. He has been charged with murder, so rather than getting straight to the point, he begins to tell this long, drawn out story about a music hall/theater that he used to run; the Faubourg (the original title for the film is Fauborg 36; the English title for the film doesn't actually make all that much sense really). It gets shut down in 1936 due to a lack of funding, so roundfacedman and his crew get together, occupy the building, and try and get it started again. This is when the one redeeming feature of this film enters: Douce, played by the beautiful Nora Anezeder. She's pretty easy to look at, but she also has pretty much the only character in the film that I cared about it any way and she can sing. Everyone else was either a ridiculous stereotype or just a mess of motives and actions that made no logical sense.

The film tries to tell the dramatic story of fattyroundface and his kid, as they are seperated and he has to work to get his son back. It also tells the story of some kind of Nazi party called S.O.C. running out of France. I know very little about this, and I think a story based solely on it could have been interesting, but rather than actually investigating the S.O.C. we are just given a few scenes in their meetings, amongst scenes with the songwriter character, amongst scenes with a stupid "immitator", amongst scenes that belong in a musical, amongst whatever other bloody scenes were thrown in. It was just a ridiculous mess of genres and styles and it all came up flat and empty.

Anezder's costumes and singing were pretty great, so the stars this film gets are for that. The rest of this film was pretty awful.

*1/2