Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Moofies - Piranha 3D (2010)
EXPECTATIONS: The trailer promises a gory good time. I just hope that gory good time isn't bogged down by too much pointless story.
REALITY: This is the most fun I've had with 3D glasses on my face in my life.
The hero of this tale is the mopy brother from the Vampire Diaries. He's got the hots for Vanessa from Gossip Girl and he wants to hang out with her during whacky spring break party times, but unfortunately his Mum is Elisabeth Sheriff Shue so he has to babysit his little brother and sister for the day while she makes sure all drunken orgies and wet t-shirt contests run smoothly. Mopy vamp brother is offered a job from porno director Jerry O'Connell, helping scout locations to film naked women with huge fake breasts who listen to the Pixies, so he does the honorable thing and leaves to young children at home on their own and follows his testosterone filled dreams.
Meanwhile there is an ancient Piranha fish being unleashed by an almost unseen Dina Meyer (seriously, why cast Meyer and then not even show her face for more than 2 milliseconds). According to Christopher Doc Plumber the Piranha's are some crazy ass breed that will destroy us all.
After about 45 minutes of 3D boobs we get hammered with a fantastic onslaught of good time gore. This is the bloodiest film I've seen in a while, and I couldn't stop smiling throughout.
THIS is what 3D films SHOULD be. Don't make me cry while wearing 3D glasses (thanks PIXAR!!!) and don't try and take me to another world and bore me for hours (thanks CAMERON!!!); just shake boobs in my face and throw bloody limbs at me. It's what the creators of 3D films would have wanted.
This film honestly would have been a lot of fun in 2D, but the 3D just makes it more like a joyride. Jerry O'Connell is hilarious, Vanessa from GG is a freaking babe, Shue and Plumber make it feel like an old-school large budget film, solid cameos from Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, and porn star Gianna Michaels, and the gore is surprisingly satisfying.
This is pretty much a mish-mash of films we've seen a million times before, which means I can't REALLY give it 5/5, but I had 5/5 worth of fun with it.